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Seasons of emotions ♥
♥ Emo-ish blog posts are normally blue
♥ Happy blog posts are normally green
♥ Angry or disatisfaction blog posts are normally red
♥ Yellow blog posts are normally made as notices or notes or quotes
♥ *Effective from 6th February '09 onwards
The loner ♥
Name » Alex
Age » 19 ('10)
Status » Single
Gender » Male ♂
Birth Date » 20 / 07 / 91
Constellation » Cancer
Chinese Zodiac » Goat
♥ Emotional
♥ Sensitive
♥ Sensible
Wish upon a star ★
[ ] A joyful life ♥
[ ] Stop being moody ♥
[ ] A better appearance ♥
[ ] Excel in my studies ♥
[ ] Life would be meaningful ♥
[ ] Lead a better life ♥
[ ] Wouldn't be lonely ♥
Why does it hurt everytime i talk about the past? Maybe it's just the bitter past that really bothers me~ Why dont i feel happy recently? Perhaps im just feeling the emptiness and loneliness in life~ Why is my mind messy? Perhaps i have too many problems happened at the same time~
Constant questions are always appearing on and off~ My only plans i had on saturday and sunday hanging out with friends are all canceled and gone.. The only thing now to fill up is to stay at home while the others have their fun and enjoy their activities.
Such rare chances for me to hang out with friends. Yet, i failed to grab it. It's just so sad. I guess i have to go on staying at home rotting as usual. Everything bores me now. Sick of the things i do. Sick of everything i do. My parents are giving me pressure. Forcng me to take my driving exams. Everytime come back and argue with me. Giving me so much of headaches. I just wanna be alone already. I just wish his mouth would just shut it up and stop nagging and embarassing me by talking out loud everytime he reaches home. I will always be useless to them.
I will always be that "those kind of people" that my father always like to use it on me. Some things are just it was meant to be. Im the only male in the family i have happened to fail them. Should i just perish from them or maybe just walk away? What is wrong for me to have fun with friends?
Nags from them everyday it's just too unbarable. The only thing i could do is just hide in my room and just sleep or perhaps listen to my favourite music. Someday i might just lose my sanity and just go insane~ I'm a weakling (:
Everytime when i watch those dramas, it reminds of me being so useless. It made my tears falling down everytime such incidents happens. Am i being too soft or just playing weird. Or i shouldn't be a guy at all. And i actually borned by accident to this world to suffer such mental torture? Or it's jsut the fate of my life to suffer it this way or maybe its just the wrong path that i took which really destroys my sanity.
Healthy and normal people goes out, hangs out with frieds, practically surrounded by people and they are able to face the world. "People like me" always stays at home. The only time when im out is when im going to class or out for dinner. Even going out to walk is a rare chance to me already. Going out with friends is practicaly zero to none. I don't think im healty. I don't exercise. I'm dropping weight in an unhealty way. I'm always a loner. When u see me in college i'll just attach myself with a friend or two if i had a chance. If not i'll just sit in the office and talk to my lecturer or worse i'll just go into the lab and stare at the monitor.
They say life is short, full of meaning and grab the chance to enjoy if you can. Well, i have a different perspective of life. It's total emptiness and hectic to me. I don't get to enjoy life to the fullest. How is it possible for me to evne have that sanity till now after such crap happened over me for a past few years. Are those happy memories just a lie or are they just mere illusions.
I tried all the possible ways to release my stress, maybe it is not helping. I have limited friends to talk to. To express my feelings. Yet, only one who actually listens to me but i doubt he would have his own time with his future 2nd half of his life. And i couldn't be grabbing him and talk to me everytime am i right? Sooner or later they would have just spend more time on their 2nd halves then friends as i've seen so many of them doing that. Maybe i should get 1 pet to accompany me at all times. Yet i tried last time i didn't really take a good care of my pets. They died just like that which really made me sad.
Here's a very confusing and yet offensive question. Are my friends actually listening to me or they are just entertaining me. Are they my friends for who i am or they are just gaining benefits of me.
I really don't know what is my objectives anymore. Everything seemed to be impossible to me. All those critics really discouraged me badly. Even my own parents are saying those discourages to me. My only loved ones are saying this to me. Is'nt that depressing? I really should start a new life. A new me.
A quiet me who just follows what my parents say.. or just.. keeping quiet not talking at all.. Well i am partially like that already.
I feel desperate to talk to friends. I feel desperate to go out into the woods or high up in the hills just sit there all day enjoy the scene alone.. or maybe.. with a company.
Somehow everything seems like its falling apart. It's okay i guess. Keping everyhing to myself and hiding my sadness is the best thing i could ever do and looks like thats the only thing i am good at it. I'm only good at that thing perhaps. (:
Somehow i feel, there is some1 who supports me without me noticing all the time. I am really happy because of that.
My only moto: To keep my family, friends and loved ones happy and accompanied at all costs. Even to sacrifise my time or effort i would do that to accomplish them. I guess this is my only goal in life.
Tears are falling down while writing this paticular post. I dare not cry in front of my parents or sister or it would be weird. I should fine one barren land and cry out loud when it's raining to release every sadness out nobody would know. Maybe i'm just thinking too much. I'm going to rest now. Perhaps i'll blog tommorow again =)
Signing off ~ The only known useless guy -I would cry in the rain; Nobody will know (=-
♥ Silent Tears
What has been written ♥ ;
『2/06/2009 06:40:00 PM』
