- Tales of a loner ♥ ;

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Previously i had alot to tell but when i edited my blog the blogger somehow deleted all 6 paragraphs of mine ZZZZ Anyways here is the retype of everything bu im not sure it is the original 1 as i've wrote or not.

There are so many things which i wanted to experience~There are oh so many things i really wanted to do with my friends but for 10 years in my life i never had the chance to do so~ Even the most basic thing i never get to feel the feeling of it ["/] Almost everyday when i see how my friends celebrate their birthdays i feel so happy for them and yet.. i felt that my birthday is like any other day~ How does it feel like to celebrate with friends where their friends give them surprises and such~? How does it feel like when they put so muc effort into preparing a perfect birthday for the birthday boy~? I can see that they really appreciate their friendship~ What remember during secondary school life is just as plain as it can be~ Eventhough i treated them like gold~ What i didnt know is that when one of their friends in the group that their birthday is near~ they did so much of things which really made me envy at the birthday girl~ Eventhough im as close as she is to them i was treated differently and i was like a translucent person to them already.. They did all those hand made birthday cards, bought the birthday girl's favourite cake, bring the birthday girl out for dinner and invited tonnes of her bes friends to celebrate with her and occupy the whole day of her birthday with fun and joy~ This is not only once they are doing the same thing, they did this for every friend they know which are close to them. What did i get? A birthday song i guess~ but my other classmates are really lovely <3 They sand me a birthday song when i came into class and they sang it loudly~ :D My friends are all playing dumb they didnt know until they heard the birthday song and then they only started wishing me. Well that was the least which i expect from them.

Are my friends are just being my friend for who i am or they are just being my friend because of something which will benefit them or somehow they are just momentarily accepting me as a friend? Why some are just pretending to be my friend and they are lying me most of the times? There is a guy which i really treated him as a friend. What i didnt know is that every word of his is a lie and 99.99% of it are lies. He never tried to talk honestly and he thinks that when lies can help him in situations he can lie everytime to gain people's attention and gain trust from friends. I trusted him for what he said everytime he told me something even my mum warned me about his lies but i still rejected it and choose to belief him. Until one fine day when he actually proved to me that he is lying so i was really angry + depressed at the same time as why such friends would do such hurtful things to me? All those sweet talks and i really treated him dearly. What can he do? He can only lie to me. His life is full of lies. I wonder when will he wake up and realises what had he actually done to his friends. Sigh...

How would it feel like if you are in a trip filled with your close friends? I was the head to call all my friends to trips once there is one. I will be asking them several times to join me and ask them to move the other activities that they are actually having on the trip day to go on the trip with me. I will normally call a bunch and in the end they all went~ But what i didnt expect is when we reached our destination they all split into groups and they walk among their group and i was left alone. In every group photographs i will not be there as they never thought of me whenever they are taking group pictures. Only one or two will remember about me when they take the photographs. Even so, sometimes none of them remembered and i became the photographer instead being in the group to take the picture. Sometimes one of them will ask me to join in with them because i was the one who asked them to go with me but then i dont feel like i actually blend in with them. The only sweetest memories i had in trips was with my college friends which was a sudden trip to Malacca which they asked me to join in after a certain function we had. It was nice while it lasted but it all ended when the friendship among them broken apart. Sad isnt it. Sigh~

How is it like when friends ae comforting you? Everytime when someone i know is down for instance, my friend, i would be comforting them and making them to feel better and cheer them up however i can do so. Its strange that i would be putting myself into my friend's condition when they are having certain dilemas and i will feel their feeling and try to find the perfect solution to make them feel better. Sometimes i failed to do so sometimes i succeded. Well i hate to see my friends or loved ones being down / sad / lonely i would try my best to eliminate those away and ensure that they are always happy and joyful and the most important thing is a company to keep them occupied and happy. I dont show much of my feelings that actually describes certain situation and always trying to remain my smile to make sure that i can help the instead of them worrying about me. I dont mind i im sad or lonely and nobody knows about this it has been like this for years already so its ok so i rather not let them know about this. No matter how bad the situation is i will still keep a smile to cover everthing up~ That is to ensure that i wouldnt hurt any of my friends or actually bother them in any way. I am good in hiding feelings so you wouldnt know what am i feeling exactly in certain situations heh~ Its nice when you have someone to actually listen to your complains but i wonde if they are really listening to it or they are just pretending to listen to me and they are just pretending to care about me or the situations. There are one or two that actually listen to me but one of them scolded me nicely when they are not in the mood eventhough they want to listen to my complaints the others are just pretending to listen to what have i said so i am just wondering whether i am complaining too much or am i just being annoying to them for complaining so much?

How does it feel when your friends actually stood up for you and somehow protecting you from certain situations? (Family members are not counted as they are dearly to me and they are always standing by my side <3) Whenever my friends have certain situations i always stood up for them and i'll be the first one to support them no matter how bad the situation is. But when it comes to me having a situation nobody stood up for me besides my family members. Its just so sad that my friends are damn selfish which only cares about themselves and doesnt care about the others. Sigh~

The main reason i didnt update my blog actively is that i had too many personnal problems to resolve and my head is just simply messy but i'll not show it to anyone that im actually having problems aside from reading my blog~ Well i will try and update my blog as soon as possible.

I've been having nightmares lately. Not those normal ones but those horrible ones. Those nightmares are just indescribable and it has been awhile since i have sweet dreams and blank dreams. Perhaps i am just thinking too much or my past is haunting me everyday. Constant flashbacks are happening everyday. I wonder when will these end. Well im off nights.

♥ Silent Tears
What has been written ♥ ;
『11/02/2008 08:53:00 PM』

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The loner ♥

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Sunday, November 2, 2008