Corner of Emotions; Illumatic Dreams ♥

Changes

2010-06-09T00:45:00.002+08:00

Time goes by day by day, Everything around us do change, even a speck of dusk would be blown away from where it used to be. Its a good thing as a treatment for sad things but it is not a very good way to handle happy occasions. As I've learned in my moral lessons, good and bad things doesn't last for a long period of time. You cannot be happy all the time which also means that you cannot be sad all the time.

Now that the others realized that i often express my emotions publicly, i have a new nick for "Emo zai" As it is meant for me being an emo freak. Being sensitive is one thing, probably i am not mentally matured at times. I do take things too seriously.

Still, spamming my facebook wall isn't a solution. Also ranting in skype and EXPECT others to be a little considerate to listen to you isn't working as well. Blogging would be a perfect place to rant instead of bugging others with my personal matters.

Simple to say, as time passes by, things change, people change. They aren't they used to be anymore. :)

Sigh..

2010-04-14T00:41:00.002+08:00

Whatever happened to the homey feelings when you are away from home?
What is the root of all the worries?
All the frustration?

Counting the sleepless nights.

2 weeks to survive the war.

Will i lose in the war?

...

2010-04-05T00:14:00.002+08:00

Today is another day where i have no one to talk to. Nobody to answer my needs to have a conversation. Needs to let it out. Of course, i need a suitable person which would really make me feel comfortable instead of just giving me either "..." or silent response.

Though i don't want to be so dependent on others, sometimes i really do need them badly. Or.. perhaps assignment pressure is getting into me with the lack of sleep which makes me feeling moody and down.

Bah.. i do whine like a girl but that's my nature of letting things out.

To DO List

2010-04-02T10:26:00.003+08:00

Everyone as i know would at least have a wish list and / or a TO DO list and i am listing one myself to do this year. A list of changes are to be made as follows:

Control my emotions efficiently and effectively.
Try not to complain like nobody's business.
Always lit my face with a smile.
Needs a time management on my external and internal work.
Trying to be quiet at all times to keep a low profile.

These are all the major faults which i am about to change with time for a better me. Didn't expect that people just don't tell me on my face instead telling all my bad points behind my backs. Never mind! i get to learn from there. Improvise and improvise. Tomorrow's me will be a better me than yesterday! =)

A thought

2010-01-15T23:47:00.004+08:00

All good and bad things come to an end. Every happy and sad moment come and go everytime. Though sometimes it feels lonely to share the joy with no one and to talk to someone i want to talk to. It feels terrible. Although im glad that i have my college mates to spend time with them. Somehow i felt sad that we are all going at our seperate ways very soon. Sometimes i just cant let go of things. Things and moments which i treasure the most.

There are so many phases of life.
The phase of life where there are always school friends.
The phase where we have to leave and go our seperate ways.
The phase where we enter into a new environment either with or without a company.
The phase where we take seperate paths again and enter the working environment.
The phase where they are tied up to someone and has commitments which we couldn't do the things we used to do anymore.
The phase which we become old.
The phase where we pass our final lives.
The phase where we leave the world.

Sometimes the world is so cruel, ending things in such a way that i don't want to let it go..
Bearing the sack of emotions keeping it hidden from everyone.
Sigh..
I really missed the old times. I really am..

2009-12-09T23:47:00.002+08:00

Needs to stop this childish attitude of mine being so persistent on something. Else this would cause alot of arguements in near future or now itself. Tolerate, keeping quiet and think before i speak. I am clearly showing my friends the other side of being being so childish in a way of giving opinions and thoughts. All of this must go. Today itself.

Nights.

2009-12-05T01:21:00.004+08:00

The lecturer is now trying to torture us by not giving us any outlines for our finals with no tutorials only his lengthy notes. I don't think we would get to absorb anything much from his so called 'teachings'.

Somehow some of the classmates are starting to indirectly insult me just by briefly talking to me. A part of me wants to respond to his indirect insults but i hold on to myself yet again. I won't benefit anything from an arguement. It's simply a waste of time. Those who are insulting around me will eventually be tired and walk away some day.

This is just the 2nd day, i am already feeling the daggers flying around to hit me either on purpose or by hidden purposes. Either way, i will still hold it to it. Keeping quiet. Smile :D

Alot of work done today. I am satisfied. I can finally feel the 'weekend' feelings coming to me now. It's much better than being bored all the time as this busy-ness can occupy me some time to not think of any other unwanted issues

2009-12-04T00:37:00.003+08:00

Why am i feeling so uneasy deep down. Eventhough i tried to tell myself everything is going to be okay. Somehow i felt like someone is squeezing my lungs or rather my heart. Perhaps i gave out too much of tears? Or i am just having a minor depression. Will find out soon eventually.

Must not worry anyone on how i feel or so. I'll be fine. 1 night's sleep would be everything i need. I'll just ignore and smile my way through this 2 semesters no matter how painful it can be. A wounded heart is still capable of beeping for 2 years i can still go on with only 6 months. 6 months till i won't see them with their senseless blames anymore.

Infinite dimensions in my storage of locked up unwanted and / or wanted would always have a palce to store such things. So, there's nothing to worry about (:

I love all my friends and also my family members for taking care of me also being concern of me on this issue. I will go on with life with everything i can.

Enduring life a step at a time in pain.

2009-11-21T23:39:00.001+08:00

Today marks another history in life where i felt so happy i just don't know how to express them (:

It's such a rare occasion that we can actually have an outing with my family and my cousins!

This day would be a permenant memory to be kept for as long as i live. (:

Love my family members; Each and every one of them (:

Back to posting~!

2009-11-07T22:10:00.005+08:00

Well i am back to posting again since this is the only place where i can rant my anger and whine all i want.. Basically there are still no suitable ones to talk to although i thought there is but they can't be listening to me 24/7 right? They will get bored of hearing me whine sooner or later. Sigh.

Anyways, it has been up and down lately but the for most concern is my degrees which is coming to me soon and i am gonna be separated with my classmates yet again and step into another a new environment full of strangers. As usual, keeping quiet is my specialty. I do it often XD

Friends.. How terrible can they be? (Generally all of them excluding some of them) Believe me! A lot of them just use me to benefit or gain something after that i am trash to them perhaps not even trash? Just mere 2 years and i am forgotten and sort of like treated as a stranger to them. Why the separation after my secondary school life everyone would forget me. I remember each and everyone of their birthdays and none remembered mine. I wish them on time and at their birthday. All they said was thank you. When it's my birthday, where are they? I don't even get a single wish from them. Not even one. When i ask them when is my birthday, they would find an excuse saying that they couldn't remember and i really feel sad about this. Been always reading blogs of my other ex-classmates. They are really having their time with the group. As usual, where is mine? None to be exact. My house, my bed is the only member in my group. My msn would be so quiet left there on all day, just to see some whom i might be able to talk to. As usual again, there are either none or they would be busy. Not just one day but most of the time. Whenever when you see them who needs my help my msn would be pooping up like crazy. When i need them just to listen to me, that would be a big problem because they don't wanna entertain me. Don't blame me for thinking too much but it's how i feel.

I don't know how long have a texted someone unless it's asking my classmate to get up or to text my classmate something. However a leisure texting just to chit chat = none, no chance at all. Those who used to chit chat with me would just anyhow ignore me now. The ones that they would say is just some sort like a 'sweet word' just to ditch me off. Even when i see them so free just to have a little social conversation they would deny me. Sigh, life is getting lonelier and boring day by day. Sometimes i just demand some attention from my friends, just a little bit but they couldn't be bothered to entertain me.. I just feel so sad. I just can roll on my bed and read comics keeping everything to myself again as usual. Heh.

I guess thats all to write today. Off to bed again :/

2009-07-29T15:26:00.003+08:00

It has been awhile since i blogged yet again i havelost the mood to do so back awhile. Many unwanted issues had occured over and over again. Why am i constantly making myself unhappy out of something which is not necessary. Grieving over something which is not even sure if it's there or not?

I just can't stop feeling the sadness sometimes where some people who are not to be named out there who is trying to leave a cut there because they know im sensitive. Trying to be tough by keeping a smile there for as long as i could but i wonder how long will that last. So many things to tell here but i just don't know where to start.

9 days ago was a birthday to remember as it marks the history of my life for the only the birthday which im upset. Expecting someone to remember my birthday, yet not even a text message arrive nor a belated message. Of all the people i would just hope that the person might remember but no.. I still remember the promise that the person made last year which is in the mid year, yet it all seems like a dream now. I just don't know what to say anymore.

Another friend of mine which didn't talk to me anymore out for a reason which i asked her about another friend of mine which has been missing for some time. I just don't understand why i've been ignored by her.

Having headaches over a virtual person which makes me spend time with her and also showing her temper to me and now finally ignoring me. It's like i have to tie up my life with her or so.. I don't know.

Sweet words aren't real anymore. They are just fake words to make someone happy. In the end everything is just an illusion. Don't ever trust virtual relationships it's very lame and it's suffering.

Parents started again with their crap ordering me to off my computer at 11pm and go to my room just because i've been sleeping late. I just don't know what to do nor say. Every action or word i say they would have a way to reflect it back with another offensive meaning.

All i could do now is to keep quiet, go on with life.. keep on smiling no matter how hard or panful it can be.. =]

Smiling outside.. but in the inside? Who knows. Even the closest ones to me which i presume they are, they are hurting me badly over and over again.

2009-07-06T16:04:00.003+08:00

Day by day fleetingly passes by, meaningless days just goes on and on like that. What is life to me? =/

I couldn't find a way to have fun. My friends are ... friends?

The only thing i could do now is to face the exams and also to stay close to my family and appreciate them while they are here.. Thats all i can do for now..

14 days to go~ (:

2009-06-22T11:36:00.008+08:00

Sometimes no matter how much i want someone to realise its really hard to do so.. Is it that hard for me to explain?

Some people i played with are so damn dumb. Don't they understand the part which i say "I am new i am not good at this so please forgive me". Yet they treat me as if i know everything and just scold me with names and such all the way. I know your good at it, i don't have a single clue what the hell your talking about with your terms and such. Geez.. I really hate these people knowing themselves as "pro" but with shitty attitude.

Some other people i know just likes to push responsibilities to me as usual. Giving lame excuses and just push the responsibility to me whenever and whereever he feels like it. Yesterday he pushed me one task of his friend's at 1am+ while im rushing my homework? Didn't even ask me whether im free or not and just said thanks and walked away and gave a bunch of reasons saying his computer is lag or what shit and he was so free there.. I was really embarrased i couldn't help his friend out with his problem while im busy because he added me in msn and expect me to finish it for him as it has to be submitted by today.. I am seriously pissed with him..

Being used by several friends of mine for one reason or another. I'm really sick of these so called friends which will only appear and find me when they need my help and just disappear when im not needed. This is still okay.. But when i need their help, none of them care to help. Only just by entertaining me by accepting my requests. So far none of the tasks i ask that particular person do.. did it.. And all the requests from him are fulfilled by me eventhough i was very busy. What 'wonderful' friends do i have :D

The ones who read this would know who am i talking about, so you know i know is enough im not saying any furthur im really sick of this.. Not just one person involved in this article but a fe of them..

I am in near of giving up a few 'friends' of mine..

Thats all im saying today..

2009-06-20T21:39:00.002+08:00

Undetermined mood, just don't know what to do lately. Some important things to be done but i just don't have the mood to do it. Mood swinging is very bad.. Loneliness is begin sipping into me again =/ Will try to blog more often again soon.

Take care

=)

2009-06-08T00:30:00.004+08:00

4th June 2009,

The 1st day of the tournament was a havoc. Everything wa messed up because we are lack of staffs and also our events are not well organized. Everything ended right in time though.. Until the time when it comes to the lab, the computers start to fail us by restating for no reason at all. Been wasting time figuring it out and finally everything went back to normal as the former event hoster is there to help us. The day ended with a tiring mood and also a pissed mood as someone had done something which made the entire staff group pissed. We had a meeting and i straight away screw him flat.

5th June 2009,

2nd day, everything seems fine. Until something wrong came up. There's a communication error which made 2 teams in a fight and also internal staff arguement over an issue. I started the issue by not updating completely my friend who is one of the team in the sittuation.. This situation is really hard as its a decision between which team is going to advance into the finals.. We wasted 3 hours discussing that matter. Took a decision but it was a wrong move and in the end we had to take the path which we have mistakenly taken.. Rumours and gossips start to spread around. My name has been officially tainted . Lecturers start asking me, even some unknown students start asking me. I've dragged my classmate, my friend into a mess and i had to take a drastic decision to disqualify him.. Which is painful and sad..

Had alot of arguements, i had too much of thoughts and i'm thinking too much.. Finally i had an emotinal breakdown and my tears couldn't stop falling. It's an embarassing moment. I have more to tell but i'm just tired and don't feel like typing any furthur today...

And i finally realised there's a few 'friends' of mine only responds to me when they need my help or once in a blue moon they suddenly talk to me and after getting something they disappear for the next blue moon. I just feel.. used.. Sigh.. I don't want to mention names.. They should know themselves..

Nights

2009-06-02T17:29:00.002+08:00

*Praying hard for the tournament to be successful*

Recently everything seems to fall apart as we are having problems almost every part of the tournament.

Things starts to work out yesterday as we are receiving a satisfying amount of participants but we're still lacking of.. We had also been offered a sponsorship from a company so everything went clear all of a sudden.

I hope everything would go as it is with a great flow with no problems at all ^^

Will be posting again soon after all these are over!

Wish me luck!

2009-05-26T01:32:00.004+08:00

Everyone have their own stress.
But every stress is different.
Everyone would say their stress is the worst.
But stress cannot be compared in any way or another.
Every stress brings a different kind of pain.
But doesnt mean it can be compared either.
So, in conclusion. everyone's stress is the worst pain ever.
Do not be lame in comparing stress levels.
Because you wont know how someone is enduring the stress they are having.
You will never know.

I wish to sob; but no tears are formed.
I wish to sleep; but nightmares haunt me.
I wish to laugh; but giggles couldn't come out.
I wish to be emotionless; but that is not me.

Tears to shed the sadness of a person.
When will the river of sadness end?

Friends.. friends.. are they fit to be labeled as one?
So many friends of mine out there, only a few are my true friends.
The rest are all just devils, trying to hurt me mentally.
I am mentally tortured.
I tend to think too much.
I wish to stop it but;
It's just my nature.

Star light, star bright, I wish to make a wish upon the stars tonight.
Grant me a life full of joy discarding the sorrows which constantly make my tears being shed.

Going to bed.. Nights

2009-05-20T20:48:00.003+08:00

Ugh.. i've been so busy with the DotA tournament which i was unintentionally became the organizer of it... and so many assignments are up.. I'll post further details about this scum after everything is over.. As for now i am stressed and also tired.. Slept like 2 hours yesterday because i was thinking too much lol..

Further information will be posted up as soon as im out of these problems..

See yaz..

2009-05-15T22:40:00.002+08:00

How would one feel when something which they are really good at it in the past they arent anymore in the present..

The lost of something which is priceless is really a pain..

I hope missy is alright with her lost of her precious dog ><

The total lost of passion into something..

Nights x)

2009-05-15T01:35:00.000+08:00

Some dreams are not supposed to come true~
Some wishes are not supposed to be granted~
So many doubts..

Nites :D

2009-05-13T01:58:00.003+08:00

I had almost to near completion of lost of passion on games. Some of my friends just ruin the mood and passion of mine to continue games. They just have to ruin everything~ More over~ They are once under me in a certain way when they are intro-ed to a new thing. When they are better than me and had wings to fly. All the past has been forgotten and also being proud for what they had achieved making me feel left out..?

Some precious efforts which i've placed into certain personnal interests on mine on a game is just a waste of time, effort and money as somehow my hardwork is just a waste when my account was being suspended for no reason at all. Thats thanks to the great work of asiasoft. =)

Picking up stress from games instead of enjoying them; Am i silly or what? Being upset because of something which occured in the virtual world; Being depressed because of losing something in the virtual world.. Comparing it in real life, it's really a silly thing to do..

Well my lost on interests on games is a good thing.. Good in a way which i could focus more on my real life issues and also studies to catch up. Yet i still envy the old skills which i had on gaming which i had lost for some time ago~ =/

2 roads diverged from a road.. Which to choose.. which not to choose..?

But from what i know, im already on the path which games are just a side part of my life not anymore as a big factor in my life like last time. Maybe that's the new me =)

Crossed out the unachievable wish in my wishlist and added one new wishlist =)

Will be blogging again soon Nites :D

2009-05-11T13:06:00.002+08:00

For those who believe what that guy said so, please get the hell out of my sight.

Don't come and join up with him to make my life miserable fuck off please.

I dont need anymore friends like this; I rather stay being alone with my family and also my kor.

2009-05-10T23:15:00.004+08:00

Was declared a backstabber by a virtual / yet-to-be real life friend~

Here's what he said:-

To all my friends, I m having a New Life on my own right now. The details in private but I don't think I can online much so often to see u guys, I might change my email very soon, but will let "You" know once I change, for those whom doesn't receive my new add. It's an end to our Friendship. I won't mention names, I had enough of back-stabbing behind and lies all over the wall!

I asked him what happened? He just asked me to ask myself and just deleted me off from his msn list. What the..?

After i asked my friend who has his msn contact list, he sent another notice to them:-

dont be mad after seeing this msg
To all Apiit Friends that has been wit me, new email is rei4@live.com Please Do Not Give to Alex! If I found out he add me in new email and He told me who gave to him.. I'll terminate the friendship of that person.. My life is really very fkdup right now.. So If you u still take me as ur fren, I thank u if not, I wont force u.
yah so dont add him

FYI.. Like i will ever add you in my msn list again

Childish much?

First of all; Think before you talk or spread rumours about me. I never talk a single shit about you and also never even lay a single finger in your life. You ruin your own and don't come and point all the fingers to me that i ruin your life and i backstab you. Please check the word backstab before using it on me and stop being fking childish on spreading these accusations on me. Thank You.

For those who know who i am; Please evaluate me nicely before reading those messages.

Bloody pissed for being accused for no reason at all..

Having my driving exam tommorow.. Wish me luck =)

2009-05-09T23:40:00.003+08:00

Why am i feeling so restless and can't stop thinking of things..
Why do i feel the unwanted stress around me..
What is really going to happen..
Who knows..
Will continue my earlier blogpost some time tommorow when im in the right mood..
Nights..

2009-05-04T22:50:00.002+08:00

Okay~ Let's get starting with my MAIN topic today x)

Hmm~! Classmates has been a big question of mine. Arent the sweet memories of the togetherness be kept on for as long as we live for? Why am i left out in the usual classmate group which im in. Am i to be forgotten because im not worth to be remembered for? It doesn't matter anymore as im just happy for you all which are still together in one group and im just another stranger in the public.

Was still thinking what ever had i done wrong in the past. As i figure out we're quite closely knit together but why am i left out at present? Something which i am now does not please either one of the friends in the group or all of them just hate me?

Making up excuses to not let me join in is just so not nice. I know im sensitive but i can sense that my presence is just not welcomed there..

If there's any disatisfaction about me say it out.. Don't give me hints of avoiding me or giving me the unpleasent feeling. It hurts you know..

Just this one question in my mind now and then.. Are you really my friend?

I think alot especially when something happens i just happen to be thinking alot. Sometimes it results in huring myself for unecessary reasons and doubts. Tend to make myself miserable too..

Just don't get it sometimes. Why i feel life so boring sometimes. Everything bores me.. Friends not responding to me~ Busy brother which disappears now and then xD

More to talk about this tommrow i just dont have the mood to write anymore..

Nites..

2009-05-03T23:31:00.003+08:00

On friday, i went back to my hometown~ It's because it's a public holiday and my grandma came back from england~! Oh i missed her (: Missed her cookings, he presence and the drama between my grandma and my aunt >.>"

Anyways, it was labour day! Everyone had planned for an outing as mother's day is near and there are 3 days of holiday straight~ So most of my friends are filled with activities. I myself as usual had no other activities then staying home growing roots as long as ginseng! Was planning to reformat my screwed up computer but my father decided to go back to his hometown to visit my grandma.

My father's attitude always makes me pissed especially when it comes to going back hometown.. He doesn't have the patience and he just wants us to wake up as early as possible get everything done and get back to hometown asap. Well this is normal although it pisses me off..

Ah well! the main thing i'm gonna talk about today is about the village life of a teenager~

Every festive moments i can see a gropu of friends hanging out together visiting houses and eventually even goes out and have fun together. It's so rare to see them over at my side or maye only me which no friends ever did that together with me. The feeling of it is so joyful. I just can't describe my desire to be in a group like that. Don't know when that day will come.

Even from time to time friends will come and find you and visit you just for the fun of it and eventually asks you out for a tea just for the sake of being friends. They do practise those actions in the village. I really envy what they are doing. In my side, asking my friends for a tea or visit me also its practically impossible. They are like super busy sales person who has tonnes of new friends being busy with them and just leaving the old friends behind.

Going out to some events with friends is also one of te very common things they do in the village. It's fun to have fun with a group of friends in a certain event. In the city, events are rare to occur and even so, i would'nt have trasport to reach there nor friends to join in. It's either way vice versa.

I'll talk about another topic tommorow.. Don't feel like starting this topic today.. Nites.

2009-04-29T23:44:00.004+08:00

Sometimes im just asking myself.. Are my friends really friends or they are just using me? Are some of them betraying me or some are just being a big mouth not keeping secrets or so? I'm just not sure at all.. Is it worth a lie in the first place? I just don't know what to say about them..

I'm now readjusting my time to have at least a little time to blog about my feelings.. Keeping it there everytime is really painful.. Thats all i could say for now.. Good night..

2009-04-29T23:13:00.001+08:00

It's just so sad when i need help at urgent moments nobody turned up to help me instead they are ignoring me or just not answering what i asked one way or another.. This is just seriously pissing me off... UGH...

I am so not in the mood lately... Will be blogging again after i reformat my computer tommorow zzzz..

Nights guys..

2009-04-29T01:21:00.003+08:00

Had to clean over some jerk's mess. Only know how to suggest and talk and be proud of it but when it comes to working on it he's the one who pushes all the responsibilities and being the 'innocent' one. Pissed me off everytime i heard about the proposal..

Recently all my meals, bed time are all messed up.. Being very sleepy now and then and couldn't really focus in something.. Have to re-adjust my sleeping time and my gaming time again.. Have to re-adjust my money too.. Can't go on like this!

Good Nights..

2009-04-25T23:46:00.003+08:00

Had a holiday yesterday! Seems like a very fun one! It is a fun one indeed! But im over relaxing.. so somehow i feel weird about it~

Well thats all i could talk about it!

2009-04-21T22:00:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile since i've updated my blog~! Well im as buzy as usual hah.

Still having the problems sleeping.. Still finding a way to resolve that issue. The lack of sleep is really ruining both my mood and my awakeness lol. No matter how sleepy i am i can't fall into a deep sleep well for some reason or another.

I found out that pleasing others is really hard. When they need me they will be nice to me and just somehow get closer to me from time to time and also eventually they seemed to be one of my very close friends. When the desired thing / action is taken or performed, im just a mere stranger to them. Just wondering why the society is formed like this. So, its a big confusion between those who are my REAL friends and those who are just 'using' me for a period of time only.

Was kinda happy because the last 2 rows which are normally filled with DotA freaks which makes a hell of noise and dominate the spots most of them time are banned from the system because they are abusing it by playing lan games. I feel happy for them :D

2009-04-17T20:14:00.002+08:00

Slept with only 3 hours yesterday ._." Wonder whats stopping me from going into deep sleep. I was so so sleepy but after i lie down on my bed i just couldn't fall into my dreamland as usual when im tired.

Must be stressing / worrying out of something ._. Driving is one of it perhaps.. Tommorow.. GG T.T Driving out into the roads for the first time.. DIEEE..

Was walking and surviving the day like a half dead corpse today o_oll Was sooo tired i could barely concentrate in class nor really bother to respond to my friends. LOL

Gotta get ome rest later~ Hoping that i would sleep like a pig tonight by putting the worries and stress aside (:

2009-04-15T23:43:00.002+08:00

Attended a talk about our future degree path~ After hearing it, so many thoughts of the future.. What will i study and how will i manage myself to face the working enviroment.. Sigh.. Trying my best to study hard and get my schorlarships in degree too!

Had a sudden meeting which ms. jothi suddenly arranged for the new juniors. So many of them didn't turn up and one escaped. The newer juniors are getting bad to worse ._."

Still wondering about the future..

Sleeping now~

Nites guys =D

2009-04-14T22:28:00.008+08:00

Sorry for the delay of my blog post! Was busy with something and hectic with college with studies and some other matters. And as i promised my formal pictures! xD

The silly guy with a yellow shirt and a blue tie smiling like a lost secondary school kid is me =D

Clicky the pictures to enlarge it to view nicely. It only fits nicely with a small size on my blog post sorry >.<

Was gonna arrange it nicely but.. Ugh.. its hard D:

Well anyways, im too lazy to talk about my driving experience last week. gonna personally drive to the driving center this saturday OMG! It's just the 2nd day of my driving class.. NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU TT.TT This is bad!

I have 2 projects coming up this semester.. Hectic! and the WORST of all im gonna face my so called 'kai ma' Miss Salina tat goes EH~ for 3 SUBJECTS out of 4.. OMG T.T

This is going to be a NASTY SEMESTER!

More stories to come tommorow (:

Sleepy now! Nites

2009-04-12T00:47:00.002+08:00

Had fun today! I thought i was gonna screw my driving class hahax xD

I finally get my formal pictures yay!

Gonna upload it tommorow + a long in-depth story on my 1st driving class :3

See ya tommorow xD

2009-04-09T08:42:00.001+08:00

Slept at 3 yesterday, wonder how would my day past today (:

Will be blogging more tonight.

2009-04-08T20:38:00.007+08:00

This blogpost is specially for the attention of my brother only.

The day when we met we started to be friends, as we continued talking more often, i felt very comfortable talking to you. Until the day that i decided to self proclaim myself you as my brother. I was just overjoyed to have a brother. I even edit my last line as a contribution to a great brother i had. Everything was fine. Couldn't be any happier. However, things started to change from time to time. Gradually, from last time we used to do such things aren't doing it anymore. We used to contact alot, till now we barely even contacted once like in 2 weeks? Even if we get to talk, it would only last for a few minutes and you would go missing elsewhere. Even if your msn is on, it would be away or just busy. Even if your msn is in the available state, most of the time you would not reply me. Either your out or not, i don't know i don't really care anymore either.

I've been really hinting you on this in my blog for so long. Yet, you never really realise. I was always hoping one day you would really understand what you are actually doing but it seems that my hope is just hopeless. I couldn't bare not to tell anymore. Since telling you through msn or sms.. You would just reply me a few words and then will not reply anymore or not even reply me at all. So writing here and ask you to read would be just fine.

Things arent the same anymore. You barely even online nor reply my smses. I sometimes even hint you through sms by changing it as a form of joke. You even answered your own actions that you are actually doing now. So for me now, having a brother is like not having one now.

I was just wondering all the time. Were you really serious in having one brother to look over to. You were always giving me the impression of just entertaining me and just for the sake of me asking you to be my brother. Even so, i find that you are more into sisters(meis) than a brother.. No wonder im not surprised that im the first to be your little brother. Your treatment towards sisters are totally different than the others. It shows that you don't really need a little brother.

Comparing on all the things you've done and how you'd reply me. All i can say is that you are ust entertaining me and just not being serious about it at all. Say it out if im wrong or maybe i didn't realise it but after so much of thinking i decided to write it here because i couldn't find a way to make me feel better anymore.

Previously, i've already decided to really give up on having a brother already, but a part of me still tells me to give you another chance to really show that you are a great brother to me. I've even asked around about you. I'm just trying to make myself feel better that you are actually a very great brother that im thinking you are.. It's because you are a great brother before but not anymore. You've really changed i can see it. And im also feeling like so extra ever since you had a gf already.

I know this would definately hurt your feelings as well make you emo but this is what im trying to tell you all the time. It's just because your my brother i couldn't hurt you this way and im baring the pain all the time (:

For now, i've really given up on this brother thing because i really felt its pointless to me already unless you have anything to say about it.. I don't think this is what we called as brotherly relationships as it's not even one in the first place after all this while on what is going on. Was hoping you would realise but you didn't as well. I should step out of your life since you had your gf to fulfill your life already you don't need a little brother anymore.. I hope you have a wonderful life with your gf =)

I know what you are going to do after reading this. Just forget such thing ever happen and perhaps would not even take this into consideration and just throw it away =/

Been waiting so long for things to change, yet everytime it ends up on disappointment..

Everytime when i think about this matter.. It would just make me so emo and sad because i don't believe that my brother is like this.. but im always telling myself that my brother is not like this he must have his reasons.. So im trying my best to smile all the time to keep myself happy (:

Dumping everything into my infinite space which is my heart again just like last time! =D

That's all i have to say though.. Will be waiting for your responce through msn / sms either way would do but im also predicting that you wouldn't respond to me anymore..

It is never too late to change things..

2009-04-03T00:22:00.001+08:00

Streamyx line like shit again. Totally spoiled my mood to blog today~

Will be blogging again tommorow.

Nitez~

2009-04-02T01:00:00.002+08:00

Saw a nice necklace in Klang Parade just right under my college today while walking around.

Dare not ask the price nor buy it.

It just feels weird for me to buy such things.

Sigh im so useless =/

I'll blog again tommorow. Preety tired and lazy to write my blog today.

Nite

2009-04-01T00:35:00.003+08:00

Changed my blog skin!

Reflects my life based on this skin.

My classmate broke his arm! No transport to class tommorow in such a short notice.

Don't know what to do now.

Sleepy.

2009-03-30T23:50:00.005+08:00

"Cherish what you have now, before you lose its too late". A personal message adapted from my friend's personal message. It definately suits my uncle, which does not appreciate what is in front of him and yet, he is still doing the things which he thinks it's right for him to so.. Everything is going to fall apart in front of him soon. Yet, there is no sign of regret from him. Every family member of his is worried sick about him. He just didn't realise that we really care about him..

Overheard of alot of things. Recently there are just too many family problems happened. My father is just taking the pressure of my uncle too seriously until he is sick now and couldn't really sleep. Not only my father actually. There are others who are about the same too. Seeing my father in such condition, i feel the same way of being sad too. Just don't know what to say to calm him, but my mum kept on trying to ask him to leave this matter aside. I'm just so worried he would just be spacing out while driving or working and certain unwanted accident happens.. His temper is getting worse due to this incident and yet he still doesn' t want to leave this aside even for a moment. He is constantly spaking of this matter. A matter which i couldn't be involved in.

Some things just couldn't be placed in words. Only through sight or certain incidents that will really trigger him or make him to wake up.. My aunt was saying all those regrets of her marrying with him and such, after hearing them.. i just feel so sad for her and my mum is having the sour heart too.. She said she already had initial plans to divorce and bring he kids together with her to work and earn a living by herself.. I just really hope he would really wake up before something really happens.. A broken family is the worst thing in the kid's life and also future.

I just don't know what to do...

So, please enlighten yourself and try and find out who is actually caring about you and always there when ever you need them to give you strength, love and support. If you found them, lock them tight and do not let them go. Cheerish all he moments with them without regrets nor sorrows because its not worth missing any one of them because it's not easy to find such type of person in this current world anymore. Do not regret after taking such actions that would really destroy the hearts of those who care about you and regret after they leave your side. And for that, you will be regret for a very long time.

I really AM cheerishing all my moments with my parents, brother, family members and friends. Every single minute of it counts. No matter how hard we could get along in things sometimes. No matter how much i hate them or even feel sad about them, deep down i do care about them. I am cheerishing all the remaining ones i have left, couldn't lose anymore or even one away from me. Not sure what would be coming on to me in the future but im still trying to smile all the way till the end no matter how much it hurts =D

My brother called me just right after a sms o.o" I not good in sudden calls. Don't know what to talk haha. He asked me about the task he handed on me to do. I finished and i just said ok and end the conversation ._." LAME ME xD

I am proud to say that i've given up alot of things because i find that it's unnecessary. I've given up 3/4 of my gaming time to fill with something else.. Well, still trying to fill up with something meaningful though. Disallowing myself to step into cybercafes anymore. Controlling the amount of my money usage and also cutting down costs on my food expenses =D Thats alot of work. Still trying to keep my smile on no matter wha happens.

Until the day when i couldn't smile.. That would be a big problem..

Cut my hair, nobody realised. This is weird. LOL.

Just been sleeping everytime whenever im free. It's just like im having lack of sleep. Sometimes eventhough im so sleepy, when im in my bedroom, i just couldn't sleep. Sigh.. I think that's all i have to say today. Nitez.

2009-03-25T22:08:00.005+08:00

Every morning when i wake up, i approach the computer and i asked myself. What should i do today. It seems that i'm just out of things to do already that is actually interesting for me to continue on it.

When i want to talk to someone, i just pmed them but no replies. Either they are not replying or they are just busy and not replying. Sometimes i just waited until they are finally in the "available status" so i can actually pm them and chat with them but sometimes they are also just not enteraining me. Even sometimes i waited until the status is finally available and i wanted to talk to them and before i knew it they are either way or just went offline. ... (These are just in msn)

Is it that hard to find someone to talk with? Sometimes when im in a chat, i don't know whether he / she is busy with something or not yet i still continue. So sometimes when they just didn't reply for a preety long time.. i just come up with an excuse or just mention that i don't want to bother them anymore. Thats the only possible thing i could do. So most of the time, i'll just try not to contact or bother them eventhough i really really bored and had nothing much to do. So, i'll just stare at my screen and just find something to do. If i ever receive some of them which pmed me who i really want to talk to, i would be so happy but most of the conversations end up with just a few lines and we eventually stopped talking already so.. it's kinda sad that we couldn't talk much. It seems as though they are not interested in talking with me or just entertaining me for some time and just get an excuse to not talk to me anymore.

Sweet words that are just a temporary effect to make me happy is not going to make me happy because they normally ends up in a disappointment. Please do not agree in doing something and / or helping me out with something when you are not capable of doing so and / or some promises or statements to prove that they are capable of doing certain actions. Instead you can just say you cant help me / Clarify that you are unable to do such action or not tell it out at all, i will happily accept it. =)

Things are not like it used to be anymore. It's just turning into a very boring life of mine. Don't know when it'll be any better.

Always hoping for the best ^^

2009-03-24T21:24:00.007+08:00

It's just really sad and angry at the same time when someone just pushes all the blame to you when he's actually the one which is on the fault. Then again, he is just not forgetting about this. He is constantly biting on the victim, not letting it go. What the hell did i ever do to him? Everytime we are there to discuss on the main point, he will just redirec us to another topic. the same DAMN TOPIC OVER AND OVER AGAIN EVENTHOUGH NO DISCUSSION IS NEEDED. WTF? We are constantly hinting him on the main topic and the past topic should just be dropped off but he just cant let the DAMN TOPIC GO.

Okay~ Let me start from the root of ths problem. From the begining of the revival of our dead clud IT Student Association (ITSA), we planned a trip as requested from the lecturers as well as our ex IT Students. So majority wants to go to langkawi. We planned a trip to langkawi then and we are coming up with the dates and such. So after the dates are fixed, we are now hading into the selection of packages to langkawi and also to make sure we fulfil the requirements of the ones who are going.

After a week from the meeting date, we re-meet again and there was 2 quotation pckages regarding the langkawi trip. At first we talked about the first package, it seemed quite expensive. So we looked at the second package, it seemed cheap and quite promising. Then the PERSON began to talk. Saying that it's expensive, we should look for more quotations and such. Then one by one started to find their own quotations and stand at their own point of view.

This is when the plans gets worse, 3 weeks have been wasted on the selectin of packages yet none is selected as everyone has their own stand and opinion of packages. I missed one very important meeting where the PERSON began to alter the brains of the others saying that his package was cheap and such. At first glance it seemed acceptable.

But the details in it are not even finalized and blur. I decided to ask a number to find out furthur information regarding the package which he was introducing to us and also forcefully asking us to accept it and also hinting us in many ways that the packag is good. So, somehow his quotation about the package is not clear at all. They even called the agency before me as im not there to look around. So it turns out that the information they requested from the agency, they couldn't provide us with an answer. So i decided to call for the second time to dig furthur information and also the finalized price.

At first, the number given was a lady, i explained that im his student and i have some enquiries about the package. She didn't answer me at all and straight away asked me to dial another number to call another person in charged for furthur information. I called the other number. He picked up, and i started asking questions relating to this package of his.

Every question i ask, he would either say we will arrange on that or don't worry everything can be arranged and it's flexible. WHAT THE HELL? WHATS THE POINT OF CALLING YOU FOR AN ENQUIRY IF YOU CANT GIVE US A DEFINATE ANSWER ON THE PACKAGE THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO TAKE THAT WE HAVE NO CLUE WHAT IS IN IT AND WHAT IS OFFERING US. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PROMOTE OUR TRIP WHEN WE HAVE NO FKING INFORMATION ABOUT THE TRIP DETAILS. EVEN THE PRICES ARE NOT COFIRMED. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COME OUT WITH THE FINALIZED PRICE AND SUBMIT OUR PROROSAL FOR APPROVAL?!

I'm just fking pissed talking to the agency guy. He finally couldn't answer me and make up and excuse to say that he's driving and he'll call me 3 days after. HELLOOOOO? WE ARE SHORT O TIME AND WE NEED A DEFINATE ANSWER FROM YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THE DELAY? So i told him we are out of time and we need to fialize in 3 days time. He said okay and he would call on the next day in the morning.

So i waited. In the end he didn't call at all. So we had completely given up on him and just grab another package just to save our damned time waiting for that fked up agency that wasted a few weeks of our plans already. We got everything ready and we are now under the final phase to complete everything.

We meet up the tour guide asked some questions and we're so guilty for that which we are holding the reservation list eventhough its already over the final day of reservation the kind tour guide still holds it on for us. So we finally finalize up and about to tell that PERSON that we are not taking his package anymore and we are heading to another package. Before that, we are also having another problem. We only had one week left to find 30 people to join the trip. HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DIG OUT 30 PEOPLE TO JOIN THE TRIP IN SUCH A SHORT NOTICE?

So we are about to give up on the langkawi package already. We walked up to tell that PERSON about the cancelation of the package he offered. He started asking tonnes of questions and start to compare the package details already. We said since the agency never bother to call me, we didn't had much time so we just took another package and move on. He showed the frigging face to us and a disatisfaction aura.

By the way, in such a cheap package do you believe that we are actually goin to stay on a seperate island which is rated 4 stars and its inconvinient focus to do another. And the tours are not promising. Besides, i even asked the agency about the hotel details. They dare not even tell us about the details. I guess it's not that hotel anymore. And the person incharged is that PERSON'S FRIEND so i guess if he offer us this package most probably they will both gain commision or something.

Ok, so we told him that we are not taking his package, he is still bragging the benefits of his package until we dig out of an excuse on ditching him to continue our training class. So we went into class started thinking about the amount of time left and the people who are currently confirmed on joining the trip. Out of 14 written in the list, 5 on hold and 1 canceled and the pre-requisite is to have at least 10 of them confirmed and to pay the deposite of rm100 to get hold of the reservation. So after much thought, we decided to cancel it and thought up of a way to tell him that we're canceling the trip.

So the next day, which is today. We went and tell him about the cancelation of the package and also the trip to langkawi. The first thing he said was "It was your fault for delaying the trips and dunno find so many quotations and dragging the time" "I already came up with ym quotation last friday" HELLOO? WE ALREADY HAVE THIS QUOTATION 3 WEEKS AGO!! 3 WEEKS! YOURS IS LAST WEEK. US YOUR SENSE OF LOGIC AND TELL ME HOW MANY WEEK HAVE YOU BEEN DELAYING AND ALSO WHAT THE **** ARE YOU PUTTING ON THE BLAMEON ME WHEN IT'S PURELY YOUR FAULT FOR SAYING THAT "Oh we should find more quotations and compare the price before deciding" EXACTY WHO THE **** STARTED THAT TELL ME PLEASE.

After he insulted me, i felt pissed and just alked out of his office nd he continues his story again with his shitty packages and his bloody benefits. He is wasting unnecessary time and money just to find out more about the package when we are not interested in his at all in the first place and it's not clearly described. We are stessing on the point that we are canceling the trip and postpond it t other days but he interupted us and continue his ****ed up story about the benefits of his package and kept on saying that im wasting all our time and it's all my fault on it and he starts to push all the blames to the other one by one. WHAT THE ****! YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF EVERYTHING WHICH HAPPENED. YOU SHOULD JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR PACKAGE ISN'T CLEAR AND SATISFYING. WHY WITH THE CONSTANT TOPIC O THE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR PACKAGE? YOU WILL GET EXTRA COMMISION AND YOU WILL BENEFIT YOUR FRIEND ALSO IS IT? YOUR FRIGGING FRIEND DOESNT EVEN CALL ME WHICH HE WAS SUPPOSED TO. SO THAT MEANS HE HAS NO INTEREST ON DEALING A BUSNIESS WITH US AND HE IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT IT.

We told him about the matter which he didnt call us in the first place and so we choosed another package and we didn't take yours. Then he said, why didn't you call him back. I wasn't there. I went out after i was blammed at and the others are all told by those who are inside listening to his lame stories which are practically pointless telling them over and over again. So they are speechless because they couldn't answer him why they didn't call the agency back (they = me) Then he blamed them as well for not calling the other lecturer to call the agency about this. HELLO? FIRST OF ALL, SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. SECOND OF ALL, HE SHOULD CALL US NOT US CALLING HIM AS WE'RE DOING AS BUSINESS WITH HIM. I ALREADY TOLD HIM WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT SO PLEASE MAKE IT FAST AND HE AGRED ON CALLING ME THE NEXT DAY AND HE DIDN'T SO IT'S HIS LOST FOR NOT CALLING US.

Overall he is not letting this trip to go away like this and he is still not done with his fked up stories and constantly bragging about it. Since he wanted to make this trip to be 'successful' so much i'll let him be. My friend (the president) said there will be another meeting for the trip date reallocation. I AM DEFINATELY NOT GOING TO THAT MEETING ANYMORE BEFORE HIS FKED UP MOUTH COME AND START AGAIN. BESIDES HE'S BEEN LIKE OBJECTNG EVERYTHING I SUGGESTED ALMOST EVERY MEETING AND MADE MY SUGGESTIONS LIKE JOKES EVENTHOUGH IM SO SERIOUS ABOUT CONTRIBTING THINGS INTO MY CLUB. HE IS ALSO THE ONE WHO JOKED AROUND NOT BEING SERIOUS IN THE MEETING LIKE HE IS ATTRACTING ATTENTION.

So.. Im fked up now and somehow im just feeling depressed about this matter. I wonder if he would just hold a grudge and just fail my papers and give me problems during his class. ou'll never know hat these kind of people could do. But definately one day when he does that i would definately argue with him.

Oh yea surprised with this colour? It's a combination of anger and sadness which clearly means red text + blue text = purple :D

That is all for today. I couldn't find a suitable person which is free to talk to again so blog is my best option geez.

2009-03-23T20:10:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, the truth hurts, yet it's still the most efficient way to gain trust and also to clear doubts. Lies, there are two types: A white lie and a black lie. A white lie, is a lie which was made up because of something which is for the sake for being better or just for the better side of everything. A positive lie. A black lie however, is something which was made up on purpose to hide something which hey had done wrongly or something bad they have done. The more black lies there are, the worse it gets. A negative lie. It's a very bad practise to tell lies especially black lies. But both lies ends up in a bad conlusion. Exactly, what benefits do we get from lying? Please enlightened me with it. Personally, i hate lies. It hurts me alot for knowing the truth because of the lie.

Now i know why the girls called the guys 'hua xin' it stands for those playboys which doesn't appreciate what they have and asking for more. Eventhough they have a gf already, they are still out there flirting girls. And SURPRISINGLY, their gfs doesn' care about it? Some end up misnderstanding.. OR NOT.. broke up just because of this.. Wondering why are they not appreciating for what they have. Pathethic jerks.

By the way, that guy and his gf came over the problem and got back together. Damn, this phrase is really not usable anymore..

2009-03-23T17:51:00.007+08:00

Didnt blog for a few days, was kinda busy and tired too. Well, not really busy. :x Went out to walk around with my classmate grandma rachael~ She asked me out to walk with another friend of hers so i agreed and we went to times square and later on to petaling street.

Nothing much to take pictures~ It's a nice long way and a great day to have a walk like that but it's indeed tiring~ ! Overall thak you grandma rachael for asking me out and have a walk which i really hoped to travel to KL and have a walk.

P.S. it's my 3rd time going to times square and the 1st time to petaling street. Her friend was shocked after hearing that from me. I did some silly stuffz too.

~

People are just so weird. When there is a chance or an oportunity in front of them, they just take it for granted. When they lose it they will just simply emo about it and just take it as a very sad story and expect others to be pity on them. It's just a really silly plot to attract attention.

Now, i realised the term 'What goes around, comes around' is true. There's a classmate of mine which is oftenly boasting about his 2nd half and he's been talking non stop about her and 'lanci-ing' about it,~~today they finally broke up~~ *Update* I spoke too soon =/ This is sooooo not the term anymore. It's just weird because, he's the first person i've ever seen boasting in front of others like that. It's like he wants the world to know he has a gf. I am not happy nor sad about it. It's just what i see from the term 'what goes around, comes around'.~~He was punished with that for doing nasty things in front of us. P.S. their relationship aren't even a month.~~*Update* *grumbles*

Love, what is the true meaning behind it? I've seen too many blind love. Some even just take love as a simple matter. They just get together and just break up after 2~3 weeks? Is love a game? I don't think so. It's just so painful to see a break up couple, where both of them are being emotionally depressive in each side. Especially both of them are my friends. Well, if one of them are doing it on purpose, then he / she is a real bastard.

Virtual love, too many of them. Yet some couldn't differ virtual and reality relationships. They just think that when it's the end in the virtual world, its the same in the real world as well. Virtual love is spoiling the real purpose of love. People are just taking advantage of it. Which makes the purpose of love losses its meaning already.

Don't you think you're just being too much by flirting on other girls and even tried to hang out with girls when you have a gf already? People like this is just pure bastards. They wouldn't appreciate on having one and when they eventually losses one, they will just grief and be sad about it over and over again. Then it'll be a part of his sad story and something to be proud of and just compare with the others and tell their tales of pride and even compare 'experiences'. Lame shit.

Sometimes i feel like blogging but it's just not convinient to do so. But some things which i really wanna tell sometimes i will just forgot about it. So, i will try my best to get a time and blog to write out all my feelings in me.

Exactly, what pride, gain or benefit do we actually get if we're good in games? I just don't get it. People are just griefing, being sad or embarrased over something which is actually POINTLESS
They'll just compare with the others and just brag and brag and brag. If others can do it, why not you? If you can't do it, work harder. If it's impossible, let it be. So what if they are better than us in certain parts of the game? It izn't a big deal when someone beats you in certain games and be proud of it. Those are pure bastards.We are much more focussing on life than just a mere game to compete with others for one reason or another. Besides! The real purpos for a game is just to enjoy and have fun. Not in this way, they just ruin the concept of a game.

People can be doing things which has no limitations sometimes, i was helping out a friend because i have a free time. It wasn't easy and it takes alot of time and also patience. After helping ones, she continued to ask me to help for a few times. I agreed because i was free. After not long later, she frequently came and ask for my help everyday and eventually expect me to help her when she askd me to. The only thing she has to say to me was the only sentence to instruct me to help her. Wasn't that too much? When i told her im not free and im busy or im sleeping early she just practically shows her temper to me. When i was late to help her or i need some time to finish my work, she just show her temper to me again. What the hell was that? When i asked her for her help, she just ges an excuse and chase me off. Eventually, now im just ignoring her as she is being too pushy.

There are just so many weird people around me, none of them are just good to me. Most of them are just playing weird or evil. That's normal for me already, there isn't anyone which are close to me to protect me from them or just being care about it. Most of them time i'll just either keep quiet, complain it to my friends (closest ones) and my brother or just throw it here.

Ignorance just annoys and somehow hurts me sometimes. I can't fnd out what's actually going on and sometimes there are too much of possibilities to it. Please, at least reply me something instead of ignoring me..

Sigh, i wonder how much of tears are going to be shed and also pressures o handle from the society which is waiting in front of me. I'm just not ready for it yet.

Well, that is all i could express today.

Ok la, i forgot to put in;
BRENDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

2009-03-19T19:07:00.003+08:00

Everytime i watch the drama. It just made me so sad andi cried everytime. Some just wished that they would live longer and not leaving the world at a young age as they had limited time to spend with their friends and family.

Everytime i watch the drama. Past memories would fleetingly come by and just make me cry. Endless tears of regret and sorrow would just suddenly come on to me. It's just weird.

Today, i just happened to talk about this issue with my mum. It's such a sad thing when my friends couldn't appreciate their lives the way it is. Most importantly i can see that the ones i care didn't really appreciate their lives.

My father's brother (uncle) had another accident this morning. He ate drugs and drive and he was involved in an accident. This is the 2nd time he is like this. Ever since he owns a pub. He always went out late and came back in the morning. He is so studborn and wouldn't listen to my father's or any relative's advise. He had another accident during the 2nd day of Chinese New Year early in the morning. It's just so sad. Soon, if he doesn't change.. his family would be broken due to several issues.. Sigh.. I care about him alot.

Most of the ones that i really care are just involving themselves into life threatening situations. It's just so sad to see them admitting to hospital or just getting injured. I really don't know what should i do. I couldn't help with anything.

Sometimes no matter how much i hate someone, i still care about them eventhough i really hate them at times. It's just how it is.

I'm always strong on words but im just having a weak heart. I don't know what's wrong with me but recently i had just changed. I realised it and even my friends said that to me. Wondering what is the factor causing it to make me so down and emotional. Well, blogging is still my best way and solution in bursting out everything.

I couldn't find anyone comfortable enough to talk with anymore. The only one also had his 2nd half of his life as he is also busy now and barely spend some time talking to me.

Well, i expected that to come one day. Trying to get back to my old self now. I hope everything turns out fine. =/

Updated my wishing well's list.

2009-03-17T14:43:00.006+08:00

Some words are not to be trusted. As they are just sweet words to please you. Some promises are not to be hoped on. Promises are meant to be broken. Some actions are not to be expected. As we cannot force someone to do something which they don't like or wish to do.

Placing too high hope on something is just meaningless sometimes. Because it might just be very depressive sometimes once something you've hoped on didn't happened or turns out to be worse.

Some incidents might just break my fragile heart even the closest ones will do that from time to time no matter how many hints have been made. They never realise. Countless times it has been told.

Histories are like a lesson for us not to repeat the same mistake ever again. But it izin't the same nowadays anymore. The mistakes will be carried foward and repeat it several times without actually even realising.

Define friendship.

Define brotherly and sisterly relationship.

Define family.

I really want to know how it actually works. Not as what i actually expect. 3 factors which are entirely affecting a part of my life.

Holding them tight hoping that they would be my life support on going on with everything without giving up. It seems that every single one of it is letting me down. Even at tough times non of them show up to show care and affection. Was hoping that they would realise the fact that its really a pain and i really need them there.

So, why not just stay stationary in a small box with only one person alone.

Emotionless is the best option so that it woldn't bother me from feeling anything.

Emptiness in my thoughts so that none of them haunt me in my dreams and hopes.

Remain a low profile just lt everything in.

Keeping quiet at all times.

Letting everything go.

Thats all i could say.

2009-03-16T22:22:00.001+08:00

Don't know what have i really done today. Nothing much to talk about though.

Updated wishlist. Crossed out one wish and Accomplished one wish.

*Continues Pokemon* :x

2009-03-15T11:26:00.003+08:00

Why people are just so weird? The moment when you need them, they will always disappear. The moment where you really give up on them, they will just reappear and show affection and care on you. Then somehow, when you want to see or even talk to them, they will just disappear for days without replying to any ways of communications.

Hmm.. been really bored lately.. I can't meet up my x-classmates which they are just playing busy.. The others are having their final sem exams.. Eventually even if they are done.. There is nothing much to do to have fun together because they are just so picky in everything.. Owell..

Just starring at my monitor from day to night to pass my day. Just hoping the ones who i really want to talk o have attention on is here to accompany me.

Hectic at home, mum showing her temper for a few days, spreading all the possible nasty words which hurts my feelings and annoys me.. I had nowhere to run or nobody suitable enough to talk to about this. Eventhough they approach me on talking about this, they would'nt just understand me completely. Perhaps one person might understand.

I am SO complicated :)

May be blogging again later since im too free..

2009-03-13T14:52:00.008+08:00

Hmm.. requested 2 pictures to be drawn by grandma Rachael..

Perfectly describes my condition and also my mood all the time and this is what i wished to do~

Thx Grandma Rachael

2009-03-13T14:45:00.003+08:00

Holidays are here~ What are my plans? I don't have any~! Just rot at home! Don't have the mood for games! No friends to talk to! Sleep! Waiting for the SQL training to come to fill up my time slots and just get buzy eventhough i don't like it! Like i have other choice xD

I bet this sem break the others have alot of plans to hang out with friends and such~! If you ask me about my plans~ Don't bother! I don't have any xD

-Continues starring at the monitor-

2009-03-13T00:32:00.003+08:00

Please tell me.. exactly how many lies are there hidden from me..? Are you the only one or all of them surrounding me are hiding lies from me...?

WHY? Why lies? I lay my trust on friendship and lies are just the outer surface which makes me think that they are being honest to me.. When i know it's a lie, i tried to test them and they are still trying to hide it from me..? Am i too easy to play with?

Lying to me.. i am the one should be in the angry state and you are already showing signs of being angry with me? What logic does that make..

Who else is going to lie to me next? the closest ones to me? The closest friends of mine? My closest loved ones?

I am seriously sad.. Which are true words which are not i don't even know.. Why? Because they are full of lies!

Should i just stay alone with no friends? Well.. practically i have very little and that portion of little is also betraying me by covering up lies in every sentence they say..

Is lying to others that fun? Is that a pleasure? I seriously hope u all would be honest with me..

It hurts when i found out it's a lie and the 'act of telling the truth' is still used when talking to me..

Life sucks..

2009-03-12T19:56:00.002+08:00

My finals are finally over!! Although i didn't do really well.... = =lll

Got tagged by my brother;

Done this before and i redo it again and yet its the same results xP

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Done! and they are soooo true xD

I've done a few more too!

Your Handwriting

You can be a secretive person. You like changes and are always wanting to try something new. You also like to think seriously and are cautious when it comes to making decisions. This can make you look more mature than your friends.

What is your favorite fruit? (Grapes)

You are vigorous yet gentle. You appear to be mysterious to those who don't know you very well because you don't often reveal your feelings. You like to socialize and are popular among your peers.

How well do you get along with others?

You truly believe in friendship. You get along well with others, and those who are around you are happy to be with you, too. You love to be surrounded by friends and you'll do anything you can to help them without expecting anything in return. When your friends are smiling, you're as happy as you can be.

What do your friends think of you?

You are popular. Your friends feel at ease when they are around you. You are cheerful and lovely. It's not surprising that you have many good friends. You always feel happy for others, not a glimpse of envy. This is your unique character. Keep up!

What kind of person are you?

Artistic, you love caring for others and this makes you a big sister/brother in other people's eyes. People will find it interesting and comfortable talking to you, and this enables you to gain their trust. This usually gives a good impression to those members of the opposite sex who are sentimental and younger than you.

Your emotional control rate?

Your emotional controlled rate: 53%

You know how to let your emotions show but you still find it difficult to do so as often as you should. You should be prepared to let your emotions out more often. When you feel sad let yourself cry, when you feel angry, let your anger show and when you feel happy allow a smile to cross your face. Allowing your emotions out in this way will do wonders to your physical and mental health.

Well i think that's all of it~!

The SPM results are out.. asked my former primary classmates.. They got great results.. except me.. My mum started again with the nags about my results being bad and such... Sigh i hate this.. = =

2009-03-07T20:57:00.002+08:00

Should i just give it up..? Should i...? After yesterday's incident it really shatter my heart into dust.. What should i do..? Why is my heart feeling funny...? Is that called pain? ;/

Used the whole day thiking about this matter.. Everytime i think about it.. Tears start to fall.. Consulted a few friends.. They asked me to do the same.. But a part of me still don't feel like leting it go.. What should i do..? The pain is just unbareable...

Should i wait...? Continue to wait until someday when it is realised...?

How long can i stand the pain?

What should i do..?

Sigh...

2009-03-06T23:51:00.004+08:00

Talked with my mei today~ It was a long satisfying talk~ Eventually i found out that.. There are some things which really shatter my heart into pieces and blown away like dust..

It appears that certain things in front of me aren't the same with those behind me it's different. Is this another treatment which i am about to receive after escaping such incidents to ever occur again?

Am i just being entertained? Am i being entertained for the sake of something? Am i being entertained because they felt sorry for me? I just want to be accepted as the true me..

Am i too good to be used on? My old habit is back again~! Putting other priorities at the top and mine at the last which is really causing me pain.. Maybe it's because i REALLY care for them! I don't really care whether im appreciated or not.. What i relly care is to accept me for who i am thats all. Why cover everything up with lies?

Lying to cover up things i front of me is really a pain for me.. I am seriously suffering from that.. A direct sentence to express disatisfaction on me would be WAY better than just using lies as a cover.. Which is a lie which is not? This is a sudden question after today's conversation with my mei.. The same fear is back whether to trust or not to..

All i demand was very simple.. Isn't that too hard to do? Sigh.. I really don't know what should i do.. I wonder when will they wake up.. Or perhaps they will not? Should i let go..? Should i just close both eyes? I don't know how long will my fragile heart last..

Asking others for a little favour is EXTREMELY PAIN but if it is the other way it was taken for granted.. and im still waiting for those words spoken out to come true.. I really hope that those words will really taken as action.. If those are taken as action perhaps i would be much more happier than before.. Or they are also as an excuse just to entertain me only or just to stop me from talking / bothering? I don't know..

But one thing i know.. Everything from last time till now has changed.. It is completely changed.. The change is so drastic it is so obvious and also painful to me.. Everything is just isn't the same anymore.. Why? Because i can see clearly and also evidence to compare both incidents..

These problems are one of the biggest stress affecting me aside from study issues, family issues and also health issues..

Wonder when will i just give up and just have an empty brain with no thoughts and also no worries..

Might as well just re-roll my brain back to those happy days of mine instead being here..

When i found out about this.. there is no way im going to recover from my sickness i bet it'll just gets worse =]

All i have to say is just.. WAKE UP!!! I CARE!!

2009-03-06T19:06:00.005+08:00

Ah~ My 1st burden has been lifted~ 2 tests and 1 assignment down 2 final papers to go!

My sickness is getting bad to worse! and my finals is like 3 days away.. zzz.. Having a very heavy headache and also a very bad flu.. I'm also sleepy =.=ll

Every now and then i will suddenly felt the loneliness and the sadness for one reason or another..

Looking at a group of friends hanging out together~ Oh how much fun could that be? I would not know much~ Those are RARE chances i would actually go out with them last time and currently~ I was always left out last time =/

Looking at 2 brothers really care about each other and hanging out often too~ How nice would it be for me? I wouldn't know either~

Looking at pictures of a family going out for trips or having fun~ How fun can it be for me? It is fun but it seems to be slowly fading away~

Maybe im fated to be lost~ Alone in the darkness forever~ :)

Haiz its the same question im trying to ask everyday~

When was the last time since i enjoyed life?

When will my sadness and sorrow end?

Well.. who knows =/

2009-03-05T22:27:00.003+08:00

Attempted a quiz which i peeked into my former classmate's blog~ (:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Haha.. so true >.>

2009-03-05T19:07:00.003+08:00

Sigh.. sometimes i really hate going home.. Everytime i step into the house.. there MUST be an arguement out of unnecessary things.. It's so stressful.. I really hate it.. I really don't have a single place to actually relax not even my own home.. My mum and dad would just normally start the fire out of unknown reasons.. I would just feel like running out of my house sometimes and just be alone somewhere..

I just step into the house everyday and get blames and arguements and just nobody which i really want to talk to is free.. So! the best solution is to keep quiet and throw it into my "unlimited space" of heart where there is always a place to throw such sorrow and sadness in and lock it there forever~

I'm the only one who is having this crap! Unlike my sis.. she was always praised and they never tried to start anything with her.. It is just isn't fair.. Life for me isn't fair..

Who knows~! I might go insane one day~

2009-03-05T18:03:00.007+08:00

Some things arent not meant to say until they realise it. It works all the time. Until then they would actually regret or realise what they had actually done besides constantly giving hints or clues to reveal what they are actually doing wrong or what they are actually not supposed to do..

So, just be more aware of the things they do.. When will they actually 'wake up'? =/

No matter how hard i try, i will still be blammed.. Why they just don't understand that im trying hard? Sigh.. I am just speechless...

I am finally sick and i would definately be scolded again~ I just hope i'll just collapse or just faint where nobody would actually even notice or care~

I wonder how long i can hold on to it...

I wonder when will my sadness and sorrow would eventually end~ I am really looking foward till the day it comes.

Time to lock it safely in my fragile heart again~ (:

2009-03-05T08:33:00.002+08:00

Hmm.. assignment due tommorow~ i haven't start o_O Next week tuesday and wednesday my finals and i havent even really revised! I'm DOOMED xD Ah well~ Nobody cares about me! =x

Will be blogging later on after class~

2009-03-05T00:37:00.002+08:00

Things are getting back to normal but something had changed.. It's not the usual but i wouldn't want to bother much about it although we communicate way lesser now.. I hope it'll be completely fine or it'll continue furthur on as i expect it would be =D

Life goes on, places change, people change too! Sometimes i just have to go on with it no matter how much i need someone =) Promises are meant to be forgotten~ Everyone will also eventually forgets the rest when they have their second half in their lives or even something that would occupy their minds =D The rate of attention towards the target was 100% until external factors affects it and sooner or later it will eventually becomes 0% It's just the same treatment as my friends gave it to me and now it's the same for the others! :) I guess thats life!

Looking foward to the day it happens! It's happy for one side and also sad that was forgotten and lonely in the other~

2009-03-04T10:48:00.002+08:00

As expected.. i couldn't sleep at all.. T____T I will not forgive myself.. Seeking for forgiveness... I just want to be like last time T______T Sigh.. ...

2009-03-04T00:36:00.004+08:00

Sigh... I just screw up something.. I shouldn't have asked.. It's all because im too sensitive.. Now i've done it.. I made my brother emo because of something i asked..

Im so sorry kor, it's all my fault for asking.. I promise i will not bother you anymore...

I'm feeling very bad now.. It's a very difficult to explain how am i feeling exactly now.. Not sure if i can sleep tonight.. Sigh.. ....

2009-03-03T12:51:00.003+08:00

My mum was talking to her 'kai ma', foster mum about our bitter past when we were in our grandmother's house living with a pschotic aunty of mine which anyhow gets us in trouble and even called us strangers.. When i flash back on those days.. My mum, dad and uncle really suffered a terrible strech of days for 2 years.. I was accused for something which i have not done.. but yet i was still blammed and scolded for no reason at all because of that particular aunty's words. Her life is full of sin.. So is her husband which is another uncle which i hate.. He always looks down on me and also thinks that my mum never educate me well.. So.. the past 2 years with them.. is really a torture..

Then my mum mentioned about my dad which was going to pension soon.. exactly 3 years from now.. She was going to be so worried how would it be then when i don't have enough income to furthur my studies and my sis which is still in school.. He wanted to work as a security guard to earn for a living.. but he simply doesn't have the stamina to do so and it's dangerous to be a security guard as anything might just happen.. He wanted to be a school van driver.. but his eye wouldn't allow him to do so.. The only hope left is on me.. which is to study harder and then get a job and earn for a living for the family..

However.. I couldn't really show that i can do it.. Too many things for me to handle.. My parents would use me to compare with the others which could really take care of the family.. but i felt that im really useless.. I've been trying very hard to study.. I still remember last time.. I studied so hard for my Physics test.. Yet, after getting my paper.. i collapsed and cried in front of the class.. I just felt very sad after how many times i've tried yet i still failed.. So.. my SPM results arent any better.. my mum will always envy with those who can really excel.. but not her own son.. I'm also trying really hard to maintain my scholarships.. I've sacrifised alot for that as well.. I even nearlly stopped all the games i've played now and only concentrate on books.. Yet a part of me still felt very sad.. Sigh..

My mum always say.. Someday we will live happily and easily without financial worries.. I am looking foward to the day it comes and my parents are still alive and healthy ;/...

2009-03-03T12:33:00.003+08:00

I made up my mind~ I've decided not to bother that particular person anymore.. Unless that particular person pms me or talks to me~ Then again.. keeping everything to myself sometimes is still the best option though since im so used to it already =]

Watched a drama yesterday there's a sentence saying "Wild rabbits don't like to be in the crowd, they are meant to be alone. If there are others surrounding them they will feel pressured. It reflects just like a person's personality." It somehow sounds similar to me o_O"

2009-03-03T00:53:00.003+08:00

Have i done something wrong, did i say anything wrong? Am i really annoying? Why asking such questions to me.. It's like im controlling over someone... Which also made me feel bad.. Sigh.. What should i do or say...

2009-03-02T23:12:00.005+08:00

Some things no matter how hard i try.. i wouldn't get it happen or get it done. No matter how hard i go for it.. it still doesnt give a responce~ Some things which i really tried to change and in the end i couldn't change it.. Is it really impossible to change someone? I wonder.. am i really doing the right thing? Felt like sobbing.. but i couldn't let it out.. Perhaps a sad drama would make me sob and i might feel abit better =] Endless thoughts of confusion..

2009-03-02T22:24:00.002+08:00

Sigh.. everything seems weird to me now~ Somehow i felt the difference in something already~ I expected that would have happened ^^ Wondering when will it be as usual again~ Well, maybe i should let go or just don't bother about it or just wait? Sudden stuffz that are happening or they are just playing a prank on me o_O endless things to discover.. Maybe im just too sleepy and thinking too much~!

Since i had nothing better to do and people are not responding to me or replying me.. I think i should just go to bed ^^

2009-02-28T16:27:00.007+08:00

My brother suddenly went emo and thinking alot like me =/ It seems that he is mising his ex-girflfriend again.. Aih.. Kor.. Sometimes life is like this~ Love relationships are complicated. Nothing lasts forever. Life still goes on.. Kor you still have alot of chances of getting a new one. I know, love hurts. It's true. I experienced once last time in secondary school it hurts =) Kor you just need a little support to stand back up and i'm here to support you no matter what happens.

Here's a little thing from me (:

It's a little bit ugly but i placed alot of efforts on it >_<

Kor, you still have people that supports you. Thinking of dying is not a solution to it. Always remember, you are here for a purpose. Not to die. =) What ever happens you still have me =)

Besides i read your posts, since you played an important role in every enviroment. You are the most important one and not to be left behind. Every closed one needs you, you cant think such stupid thoughts (: Life is up and down and it cant be down forever. Everyone has their important purpose to be alive in this world. Nobody is useless =]

This post is dedicated to my brother. Will be posting mine later. =]

2009-02-27T19:11:00.007+08:00

Today izin't a really good day well, for me though~ I got my test paper back (Java II) I only scored like.. 26/50?! ... so i totally screwed it.. Sigh.. My eyes seemed to be fine today and i still dare not ask / tell my parents why because this might just worry them and i would be banned from using the computer or something lol~

Then a sudden call from my aunty saying that my uncle had discharged into the hospital for a backbone surgery.. He drove there with a motorcycle himself! He didn't even tell us about this. I'm seriously worried about him. Whether he is fine or not.. He is still not awake from his surgery since this afternoon. I hope everything is alright. Suddenly my feelings just felt so sad. Actually im not really in a good mood as well today.

Heard the news about my club's trip it's about 400 bucks.. o_o" I thought i was treating my bro for this trip but it seemed that it's too expensive ~_~ OPS! I said out my true motive ... :x.. Well i was hoping if he would go that'll be great xD His phone was barred but his house's internet line is up! That's good news though~ But i doubt he would be even buzier than before after he had his house line =/ We didn't really get to talk much lately or really spend time playing together becuse of these few points. Well he's a busy guy i couldn't hold him on =D I'll just maybe sleep when i have nothing to do xD Nothing really interests me anymore.

Sometimes i just hate people rub it on ur face with the extra skills and talents they have.. They can design well, why critisize others? They can play better than us why called us noobs and stupid? Everyone started from square one. You can't be flying when you havent even learn to walk. I just don't understand them sometimes. I am definately reffering to someone which i don't wanna mention incase he views my blog. I just don't get them. I really hate these people.

There's a 'friend' of mine which is actually good to me but actually he has other intentions behind it. He is very good at it until i found out what is he actually trying to do. I will becareful when i encounter / talk to him.

Day by day it just gets much and much more boring. I had no closed ones to talk to. They are all busy. I had no company to play games with. So ends up i didn't play any. One day just somehow passed without me actually noticing it and another day meaninglessly passed. My sleeping times are totally out. I don't know when i could actually sleep. I don't know what should i do. Haih~ The boringness is seriously killing me.. Where is my company? :/

My family condition is really messy now sigh.. Might sleep early since im down, not really in the mood or maybe i might not sleep at all.. or perhaps the ones i really want to talk to is here..

2009-02-26T20:13:00.003+08:00

Today some freak thing happened to my eyes.. I suddenly white out (it's like a camera flash kind of feeling that blinds me with the light reflection) that lasted about 45 minutes.. It's painful and my eyes felt watery.. I couldn't really see things well that time. White colour is the most painful one to look at as my eyes are filled with the rays of white light.. I dare not tell or mention it to my parents to make them worry about me but i think it's just me being tired or stressed out i guess.. lol..

Well today, yet another friend of mine whose birthday had passed. I heard over that his friends are planning a birthday surprise for him. I began to felt envy at them as for my bro's party =/ Besides! I don't have that much of cash to make a party and invite friends to come and i never had a party before haha. Ahaha it's just my natural feeling about it. mm maybe before i knew it it's july and my birthday passed without me realising again haha~

Having some sudden bad headache after me whiteout~ I think i should get some rest before i eventually faint lol. Will be blogging again soon ~

2009-02-24T16:20:00.007+08:00

Perfect condition to write about myself now x) Was not in the right condition to talk about myself yesterday~ Hmm~!

Let's see~ Where should i start >.>"

Hmm as everyone know~! I'm just a pure joker but sometimes i joked too much or the jokes are too cold xD Ok~ I don't get angry easily but sometimes some acts or words are just making me pissed thats all and i'll start complaining non stop x) Mess with me = mess with your ears and ur mental state =D I don't us my fists to talk though. Overall i'll just ignore those who loves to pick n me of tick me off the anger chart.

Everyone might thought that im a quiet person when im outside somewhere in class or someplaces with unkown people! But the truth is im a very talkative person. Unless i am shy to talk to certain people. Trust me i could talk all day if i have alot to tell =D I can be annoying sometimes until my friends gave up talking to me or made up and excuse and ignroed me lol. Sometimes i might even talk before thinking making some of them flamed.. lol.. I barely talk to unknown people and i don't really entertain them unless i have to. lol. That is why i appear quiet in public! =x

I actually have a very little number of friends due to a certain fear which i can't overcome. My friends from primary school and secondary school are all practically gone and some doesnt even worth to remember them as they have completely forgotten me o ignored me when we meet face to face. Sigh~ Since i have limited friends i value them like gold or something much more precious than that. That is also why i always tend to bother my friends alot when i have the chance especially my bro xD I would just do everything i can to keep them happy or company =/ I am actually desperate for friends in a way.. >< That is also one of the factor that i was used and bullied by my so called 'friends' Sometimes i don't know which is my friend and which is not. I still don't know how many o them would against me in the future for one reason or another. I just don't want to lose anymore and get hurt ~.~ I am so envy to see big groups of close friends having fun together in somewhere for vacation or planning a surprise birthday parties for someone in the group i just felt so happy for them but for me it's rather a rare chance to none. Small group of actual friends would be fine for me already =/

There is a certain fear that im having. A fear which kept me inactive and also stressed in a way that im always afraid of something. It's the fear that also made me feel lonely and sad all the time. One of the problems im having is being sensitive. Sensitivity for me it's good in a way that i could determine which mood should i put into when dealing with friends. But it's a major problem when handling with friends sometimes as they are using hard words on me. Yet, i still keep quiet and smiled at them or laugh with the =)

Shyness is also another problem of mine. I am really afraid of being embarassed out of something silly i did or something really illogic that i made. It disturbs me n a way that i feel so unconfortable and also mentally disturbed.

I think alot~ So much that people eventually got annoyed with me! There are times when im so lonely and i had nothing to do, my mind would start thinking of all those unncessary stuff which was not a good thing. For example, it has been usual that i text message someone everyday but one fine day suddenly the person never reply me or even respond to me. So i would start to think that maybe, that person might be annoyed with me or im bothering him too much or eventually got angry with me. All the negative thoughts would start to fly out and bother me until sometimes i couldn't sleep at all at night. I would be assuming all the negative things that could have happened which kept me awake. (Most probably i inherited this from my mum as she thinks alot too =x)

I tend to get bored easily! I always need a company.. Which i have one now which is my bro~ but i couldn't be bothering him all the time but im satisfied. As for the others, they didn't really bother me much or eventually somehow we argued for some unknown reason which made us sto talkng to each other for some time. Sometimes i would sit in front of the computer waiting someone to actually talk to me or sometimes i would stare at my phone waiting someone to actually text message me and talk >< I'm too lonely andbored i guess..

I normally would forgive but i don't know why i never forgets. All the bitter memories will remain in my hollow brain as long as i live. I could remember clearly what happened from the past. It'slike im living upon my past sometimes. They say being sad about their pasts re idiots well, i am one already. I couldn't get off my horrible past memories. I would have flashbacks from time to time after seeing certain incidents or certain sentences people said. Sigh~

I am sometimes impatient on certain things which i want or something which i might get. Like, results or certain trips or exams? ... The night before that i would definately not be able to sleep and there goes my mind start running with those negative thoughts =/

Some say im a sissy, some say i need attention, some say i just need more Love from closed ones but i don't really mind.. I am proud to be me =)

Lastly i appologize for what i have done which dissatisfies you or even made you angry. I am sorry ;/

Ahh.. I hope more of them would know me better by now! =D

2009-02-22T20:53:00.005+08:00

Hmm.. Today was quite fun but tiring =[ I had my first driving experience today. I toally screw it xD The conductor is really pushy.... I told him im new to this driving thing and i have no single clue about controlling the thing. He said it's fine and slowly learn BUT once i did something wrong he'll nag ang nag and nag... -,- He expects me to drive like the others (P.S. Unlike me.. the others drive before hand...) Overall it was an amazing experience yet scary and panicky! Hehe =x

Here's a personal appology to my big bro again because i disturbed him when he was really busy and not responding my smses i thought something happened or what >.<

Sorry! Sometimes i would be really annoying but im just being worried and feeling lonely.. ><

Watched a freaking funny video just now and shared it with my bro~ xD

Well! Im damn tired~ Time to sleep! Weeeee Nitey! =D

2009-02-22T06:43:00.003+08:00

Hmm.. for some reason i couldn't sleep and woke up every 2 hours. So i only slept like 5 hours or lesser than that and i have to attend the driving theory class today for 6 hours -_- Don't know what's bothering me from sleeping ==

2009-02-22T01:16:00.004+08:00

I watched a japanese movie. Shed alot of tears throughout the movie.
Felt better after shedding them =)
Have to attend the 6 hours of driving lessons tommorow.
Feel free to sms me as i'll be bored rotting there =)
Good Night.

I hope everything is fine over at my brother's side.

2009-02-21T18:31:00.009+08:00

Sigh~ nothing much happened today. It's a pure boring day except for me watching the tv whole day and finishing up my assignments.. Was waiting for my msn to be prompted by someone or someone to sms me or reply my sms in the end nobody did do that except miss cheah she prompt me for fun :P. Didn't have the mood to play any games as my big bro is not here to accompany me to play with so i rather not play ~~ He is very busy today =D and he's performing today for his uncle! All the best big bro xD Might post more later.. Might

Perhaps im going back to bed again while waiting someone to pm me in my msn or someone to sms me ~_~ Gonna be sick very soon~ (:

2009-02-20T19:58:00.005+08:00

Had a blast day today! Although it's freakishly scary this morning o_O

This morning i woke up early to play Perfect World with my big bro~ and my class was at 11am and my friend came and pick me up at 11.15am >.> It has been like this ever since he sold his volvo car. So.. Practically we're rushing everyday but today something happened... With high speed of driving, my friend wanted to overtake the car which slowed down and didn't flash the signal out to turn and the driver just turn like this. The car was turning while my friend was overtaking the car. So my friend quickly pressed the breks i was not on my safety belts as it doesn't have one so.. i flew to the front and hit the front seat flat~ lol and everything feel off into the base of the car (Below the seats) and i was shocked! The driver stopped and then looked at our car.. and he didn't even bother to appologize.. what the hell.. If my friend didn't break earlier we would have ended up in the drains already ~_~

Let's not talk about that to spoil my mood xD Ah! Today my big bro came over to the food stalls below my college area with my friend, the banana, he skipped the class and went breakfast with my big bro and i told my big bro saying that its 11.30 already and he is still down there eating? Then he said "He is always like this" I told myself "hm.. true he did something similar to this before" lol~ Okay so nvm~ I continued my class and i smsed with my big bro asking where is he and he said he's in the snooker center so he asked me to come over to meet him and i happily said yes. =) Not longer after my class ends i rushed down to meet him and watch them playing snooker~

I skipped the lunch with my usual group because i rarely get to meet up with my big bro and actually spend time with him x) So after the snooker session i was saying that since they are going to the same place eating the same thing i rather go to McD and eat and i wanted to eat with my big bro too but when we reach there McD was packed with people... So in the end we didn't get to eat. So i was thinking to spend some time with him in the cybercafe for 1 hour to play his favourite game SDO-X so i suggested and asked banana to follow as well, but he said he's tired and he's going up to the class and sleep (obviously a lie) so nvm i went with my big bro to the cybercafe~

At first we went to warnet and tried to access SDO-X but it seems that it is not working. So we went to the next cybercafe near by and it is accessible! But the internet connection lags and made the whole game delayed~ So it isn't much fun and i was not used to the keyboards there. But overall spending time with my big bro means to me more than anything~! So we played a few rounds and an hour passed~ Sad it doesn't last long and i purposely spend all the time i have left with him in the cybercafe eventhough my class started 30 minutes already but i try to just spend exactly one hour with him (: So finally he went back and i went up to class. That rotten banana told my classmates and the lecturer that im in cybercafe and i am really zzz... I was preety hungry that time so i couldnt wait to get home and eat xD

After class came home and continued perfect world with him for a fewminutes then i had to cook the rice and he had to eat dinner and went out till now for his dancing practise~ (: Well overall i am really happy today and i hope there will be more like this soon (:

Thank you big bro for spending time with me ♥~ =D

Signing off~

2009-02-18T20:00:00.008+08:00

So many things to handle, yet so many things not done.

Hmm let's talk about the good stuffz first.

I passed my driving lisence theory xD
Kid kid a.k.a. Ivan accepted me as his little brother =D
I am a tresurer of my new club ITSA. Time to vaccum money :D

Had a meeting today. There's the bastard vice president which supports other clubs than our club saying that "Our club has very little people so we should combine with ADP" WTF? Doesn't mean that our club is very little in numbers we have to combine club in the sense of activities and trips right? They have their own club they enjoy their own activities an their own trips, why must they trife into our club acitivities and even invaded our own trips? Overall all our activities are also somehow related to them as suggested by the vice president.. Fk him.. I will personally object this in the next meeting. I didn't say a word because i give him the chance to talk but it seems that he is too much.

He insulted other suggestions from the committee members and only supports his own ideas. So what does he think he is? ADP has nothing to do with ITSA. We have our own stuffz they have theirs. We don't even need to assist them in any event as their club members are overwhelming. they can just simply split their jobs to each other. Pfft. I'm so boiled. If he dare to mention anything about involving ADP into our activities or something else i would straight fk him without considerations. So sad my older bro doesn't have the time to listen to this so.. I'll post it here first (:

Well recently my baby cousin is just too naughty causing havoc in my house turning the house upside down. Sigh it drives my mum crazy and so she started scolding without any reasons and just insults like this which somehow pressures me alot.. zz My assignment are due like next week.. I haven't even start.. zzz I have 2 untouched assignments and my exams are like 3 weeks from this week.. Gah.. what should i do.. T.T My older bro is also preety busy sigh~ Ah well.. I hope everyting goes perfectly fine as planned and tommorow is a hectic day as i have classes from 9am till 6pm continuosly.. Damn.. -.- Thats all for today (:

♥ Big Bro of mine;

2009-02-16T20:47:00.017+08:00

I recently talked to my online friend. He's sort of like a counselling friend to me. I told him everything about my troubles and why am i so down and feeling lonely~ He came to a conclusion that im lack of broherly / sisterly love =/ Someone who really knows about me and somehow looks after me or even be there when i need them =/ *Besides a girlfriend*

Since i don't have any brothers nor sisters older than me.. (Better not have 1) Foster brothers or sisters treating me like a little brother i would be very happy of that already =). But it seems that none of them wish to pick me as one~ Only 1 senior of mine who really treated me as her little brother~ Sook Yee =D I really appreciate it! I'm always attached to my friends and some i even treated them just like my big brother :/ It's just that they didn't realise or knew only (:

Hmm.. I treated my classmate Jack, Kid Kid, Aki, Rei as my big brother already. They are really nice to me! I normally talked every single thing in various topics with them. My worries and my difficulties and even those which troubles me. So.. i tend to sms them everyday and sometimes even bothers them from time to time =x I care about them more than my friends.. Well by a little bit only =x They are important to me =D Somehow two of them began to have their own lives to go through so the only 2 person currently entertaining me is Kid Kid and Jack :]. Although i treated them like my big brother.. They just treated me as a friend~ Oh well =] Perhaps i would find someone who willing to treat me as his little brother some day in the future or any of them in the list would somehow decided to pick me as one. I will be waiting till the day it happens =D. Since not much people read my blog i dare to post it here x)

But yet some others are remained as my friends because i don't think they would be nice to me in some way or the other. >.>

2009-02-15T20:49:00.008+08:00

Some crap happened today..

i failed my theory in driving lisence BY ONE MARK!!
Lost the mood to do anything.
Slept almost the whole day.
Emoing as well.

Yet, i still had some fun with kid kid in sdo which he said im bullying T.T and Ham Ham is just being quiet at one corner >.> Oh well.. I'll finish the babeh's quiz later :P

2009-02-14T23:23:00.014+08:00

It's been awhile since i've ventured into the world of quizes =D Let's start off with the 100 questions quiz first (Actually its 99). I really wanted to do this quiz so i asked my maple sis (Holy Mei) to tag me but she's lazy to do it so i used her to tag myself (Sounds weird but.. LOL). Here it goes x)

~*100 QUESTION QUIZ! =D*~

001. Real name - Seng Hwa Chian~ Do you have to find out about this...?

002. Nickname(s)- WOW i have plenty of nickies! Here let me list them out:-
- I was declared a deng-boy, Alexandra in maple.
- I was declared as Pigu Chian, Hamsap Chian by my friends in class ahahahaha~
- I was declared as Babi by brenda.
- I was declared as Alexis in SDO-X.
- Mainly i normally use Alex.
*Side note* - Use any other names than Alex i'll hunt u down personally.

003. Star sign - Cancer! Stay away from me or i'll infect you! Muahahaha~

004. Male or female - Male but some say im neither and some even said im both! You make a guess :D

005. Elementary - Batu Tiga Primary School (Dun ask me where you would know it)

006. Middle School - Mahadi Secondary School (Damned school dun ask me abt it either)

007. High School - No high schools T_T I'm in a college now!

008. Hair color - Black.. or izit Dark Brown.. *Takes a tochlight and shines upon it!* Oh its.. Dark brown xD

009. Long or short - Short for a past few years since primary school but started to keep long hair recently but failed and in the end its short again )'=

010. Loud or Quiet - Loud when i know most of them (my friends) and eventually the loudest among all of them.. LOL Quiet when im surrounded by strangers! P.S. Everyone thought that im a quiet guy... *giggles* =x

011. Sweats or Jeans - Jeans but i wanted a sweats ):

012. Phone or Camera - I want... a phone and a camera! (Dun give me excuses like your phone already had a camera pfft! :x) *Hints to buy it for me on my birthday* *winks*

013. Health freak - Uh.. im a health freak when there are special occasions coming up but when there's nothing important i'll throw anything into my stomach as long as its delicious! YUM =D

014. Drink or Smoke? - Few sips already made me high and drunk and the smoke is suffocating me! You smoke in front of me~! Prepare to get endless nags until u walk away! Muahahahaha

015. Do you have a crush on someone? - Been there, done that and its over~! Ask more and i'll smack you!

016. Eat or Drink - Both of course DUH! Don't tell me you eat and dont drink and the other
way round *stares*

017. Piercings - Ewww.. Piercings are painful and go pierce urself! I hate piercings.

018. Tattoos - Pfft. No.

~*HAVE YOU EVER*~ ?

019. Been in an airplane - uhh YES! AND IT WAS FUN!

020. Been in a relationship - *whacks* i am currently in a relationship with my friends called.. BEST FRIENDS! Does that count?

021. Been in a car accident - Hmm.. Doing my lisence test tommorow.. ANY CLUES TELLING YOU SOMETHING?! Only a uh.. bicycle and motorcycle accidents and uh.. motorcycle and some super natural incident!

022. Been in a fist fight - Fist.. hmm.. No im very delicate =) DUN PESTER ME *SHOWS MY FIST*

~*FIRSTS*~:

023. First piercing - Don't have one and it's not gnna happen! So stop asking!

024. First best friend - I couldn't put in any cause im still deciding who to put in! LOL

025. First award - Hmm.. 2nd place in uhh colouring contest in my pre-school LOL

026. First crush - Secondary 3 with a girl who is older than me by 1 year GO FIGURE! ASK ME AND UR HEAD WILL FALL OFF UR BODY! *winks*

027. -MISSING- @#$%!

028. First vacation - Cant recall.. When i was in my mum's womb and she travel does that count?

~*LASTS*~:

029. Last person you talked to - my mother who asked e to sleep earlier for tommorow's lisence test!

030. Last person you texted - my dear friend kid kid who was watching television =x

031. Last person(s) you watched a movie with - my family watching eee uh... *memory goes blur*

032. Last food you ate - DINNAH! Ikan bakar! *YUM* Veggies *yuck* Meat *YUM* Bean Curt *yuck*

033. Last movie you watched - *memory continues to go blurrr*

034. Last song you listened to - *Checks my player* FUH! It's still there! Utada Hikaru - Colours

035. Last thing you bought - Mc Flurry BERRIES! *YAY*

036. Last person you hugged- I never hugged anyone before unless its virtual.

~*FAVES*~:

037. Food - ALOT TO BE NAMED..!
- Friend foods
- Curry, rendang chicken, mutton
- Snacks!
*Side note* Toomany to list so i placed them in a common group!*

038. Drinks - Orange Juice, Milo, Soft Drinks!

039. Clothing - hoddie sweaters, leather apparel, udner garments?! NO WAY!

040. Books - Harry Potter, TSGS, Joke books (o 3 o)

041. Musics - Too many!
- Bandari
- SENS

042. Flower - Lavender, rose, lily, tulips =O Others i might not list out yet because maybe i've not seen them yet~ :D

043. Colours - Black, White, Blue, Shining colours.

044. Movies - Harry Potter, Golden Compass, Narnia!

045. Positions - To be the boss of someone =D *Everybody's dream!*

046. Subjects - Science! Computings! =x

~*IN 2008..... I*~

047. [ ] Kissed in the snow (I wish i can even touch them; Snow World in Genting is fakey!)
048. [ ] celebrated Halloween (Sadly i don't celebrate them)
049. [x] had your heart broken
050. [x] went over the minutes on your cell phone (My friend called me so.. YA! =D)
051. [x] someone questioned your sexual orientation (WTF!)
052. [ ] came out of the closet (Only boogeyman does that!)
053. [ ] gotten pregnant (WTF!)
054. [ ] had an abortion (WTF!)
055. [x] done something you've regretted
056. [x] broke a promise (As always! OPS! =x)
057. [x] hid a secret (I hid too many secrets!)
058. [x] pretended to be happy (not only in 2008 =D)
059. [x] met someone who changed your life
060. [ ] pretended to be sick (I don't have to! I'll just say something!)
061. [ ] left the country (no $$ T_T)
062. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it (Stay up late till 5am! WOO)
063. [x] cried over the silliest thing (Laugh at me and your dead!)
064. [ ] ran a mile (You run it =D)
065. [ ]went to the beach with your best friend(s) (That was this year boo-hoo T_T)
066. [x] stayed single the whole year (Its the same 16 years ago LOL)

~*CURRENTLY*~:

067. Eating - Nothing except air~

068. Drinking - Was gonna drink something but not yet thx to this quiz!

069. I'm about to - Go ta bed, finish up my lisence questions, brush my teeth, be freaking scared, watch some dramas and sleep

070. Listening to - the sound of the wind!

071. Plans for today - Memorize the shitty lisence questions!

072. Waiting for - this quiz to end!

~*YOUR FUTURE*~:

073. Want kids? - YES! 1 boy 1 girl!

074. Want to get married? - If i had the chance i will.

075. Careers in mind - *Having thoughts of being the boss of an IT company* *giggles*

~*WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY*~?

076. Lips or eyes - Lips on girls to pull out their appearance.. You dot expect guys to wear lipstick out don't you? EXCEPT! The movies! Eyes.. i have to say both!

077. Shorter or taller? - Shorter with girls and taller with boys. Because! When girls are taller than boys it's damn scary =x However its typicall in the other way!

078. Romantic or spontaneous - A mixture of both in boys and girls so that it would'nt be imbalance on both elements (WTH am i sayng!)

079. Nice stomach or nice arms - Stomach... girls? Arms.. guys of course! Muscles on guys =x

080. Sensitive or loud - Sensitive i would suggest both! I am sensitive too you know! :x Loud.. Both as well..! You should see how china girls talk they are like arguing something when they talk and *AHEM* I tend to talk loud sometimes!

081. Hook-up or relationship - hook-up.. -.-..... Relationships BOTH! You cant live without them! Well.. except for me :P

082. Trouble-maker or hesitant - Both! Rascals and brats! Plenty to be found!

~*HAVE YOU EVER*~:

083. Lost glasses/contacts → I don't have one to start with! PFFT.

084. Ran away from home → Had several thoughts but end up not doing so!

085. Hold a gun/knife for self defense → Had thoughts as well but i couldn't do it!

086. Killed somebody → HAD THE FEELING AT TIMES WHEN MY BLOOD BOILS!

087. Broken someone's heart → Yes a few times i guess.. ;/

088. Been arrested → NO! IM AN ANGELIC GUY CAN'T YOU SEE MY RINGS?! *Points at my angelic rings on top of my head*

089. Cried when someone died → Yes my lovely uncle =/

~*DO YOU BELIEVE IN*~:

090. Yourself - Sometimes yes sometimes no..

091. Miracles - I don't see any SO FAR D=

092. Love at first sight - Happened once don't know when it'll happen again

093. Heaven - Definately!

094. Santa Claus - No~ i guess ;/

095. Sex on the first date - WTF question is this =3=

096. Kiss on the first date - Maybe? Predict yourself!

~*ANSWER TRUTHFULLY*~:

097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? - Friends!

098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? - Not really...

099. Do you believe in God - Duh! Of Course! I pray damn hard when my exams are near! LOL

100. This is the 100th and last. - OMG IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION?

IM DONE! YAY!

*Runs to my bedroom finish up mah lisence questions %#!@ and off to bed!* Nites guys xD

2009-02-13T17:54:00.004+08:00

Is the someone i know is trying to avoid me? Or is it because im too annoying to be with? Or maybe im like bothering his life or something~ Maybe i's because im bothering him everyday. Unanswered questions~ yet so many questions pooping up.

Something is up with my dear friend, but i can't seemed to find out why. It's his privacy but at the same time he seemed to be sad. I tried to help but he rejected my offer. Sigh.. As a friend, what should i do?

Some words i said bothers others sometimes. I really have to fix that fault up soon or i'll be losing more friends and eventually have no friends. Ah well. Having none is the same feeling i am having most of the time everywhere i am.

It seemed strange that im being emo-ish for days yet i can't seemed to root out my source of this. I don't even know how long this might go on or last.

I've been receiving complains from my lecturer again for not behaving in class. I somehow overjoyed and had so much fun with my friends i could'nt control myself ;/ I'll try my best to control myself in class. Behaving well.

-Mix feelings with a little bit of this and that and a major feeling of sadness-

2009-02-11T21:05:00.007+08:00

I've been having headaches lately for the past 4 days. The unbareable nags from my parents is just too much. Everyday i come home i can just sleep straight away once i sat on my sofa or just would sleep when i am in the car on my way to the college or back from the college. I can't even stay awake to stay abit longer at night nowadays. What's bothering me? Stress? Depression? Loneliness?

Final exams are like 3 weeks to come. 3 weeks till my assignments due. Alot of things to catch up on my syllabus and also i have alot of things to help with my friends in the new club. So many things to do.. So little time.

Sometimes i wonder. When someone told you that they will do something for you but after some time there is'nt any news about it. Did they forget what they told or they just need more time? I dare not ask nor question. I think.. I should just wait or when they really forget about it i'll just forget it. =/

I'm off to rest.. Take care guys =D

2009-02-09T12:45:00.006+08:00

I'm finally back from my vacation (: Everything is great! Although.. my pictures are not taken from my seniors yet xD I went to Tanjung Karang in Kuala Selangor to take the day off by relaxing~ I'll post up the pictures and explain them later on! Now its time to rest~ ^^

Owell after the trip i'll be rotting at home alone again~ I hope more trips like this would be planned in the future sigh~

2009-02-07T18:53:00.010+08:00

Everytime i approach the computer, my father will definately nag or scold for for touching it. The reason is because i would be attached to it for a long period of time. Why am i attached to it? I have a few reasons.

It's the only source where i get to talk alot to my virtual friends and also real life friends
It's the only source which i can pour out my feelings, even so, blogging here is still the best because nobody really give a damn for what i say
It's the only time where i can really open up where nobody knows who i am or i can talk without feeling shy or afraid of things
It's the only way i can actually open up

My father is just making up an argument from just a very small matter. No matter how the condition is he will not tolerate with me or any other members. Let me briefly describe what does he usually do;

He is hot tempered so he gets angry easily and start to scold me
He likes to do things straight away no delays when you delay he will scold me with harsh words
Always like to use the words crazy
He likes to end things that really pisses me off
For example; switching off my main computer switch causing a massive lost of data or just plugs out my modem or many other actions he took
Small matters are made big matters as if it's so bad
Likes to describe things which are so minor its actually not necessary but he said as if its really bad
Likes to make assumptions and accuse me for what i have not done

Sigh its really a mental torture for me to say it this way everyday everytime. It is also damn embarrassing especially when he does that in public. I would probably argue with him at least once in a day more than 10 times in a week. Sometimes i just wish to run out of the house and go somewhere peaceful or just attend class or mix with friends or just pretend to entertain myself.

Sometimes i just purposely dig out some topics to talk to someone even though there's really nothing to talk about because im really bored. I sometimes felt like i am a parasite to my friends and tend to annoy them until they really dont want to talk to me or just plain ignoring me.

Will my efforts to make my friends happy rewarding or they are just using me in some way that benefits them. I dont know what i should write here already. It's just too messy in my mind now and i couldnt even find a suitable company to talk to sigh..

I will not be here tommorow and the next day as well. I would be somewhere where there are waves and sunrises or as sunsets to watch. It's time for me to take a break from all this crap.

Farewell guys~

2009-02-06T18:40:00.010+08:00

Why does it hurt everytime i talk about the past? Maybe it's just the bitter past that really bothers me~
Why dont i feel happy recently? Perhaps im just feeling the emptiness and loneliness in life~ Why is my mind messy? Perhaps i have too many problems happened at the same time~

Constant questions are always appearing on and off~ My only plans i had on saturday and sunday hanging out with friends are all canceled and gone.. The only thing now to fill up is to stay at home while the others have their fun and enjoy their activities.

Such rare chances for me to hang out with friends. Yet, i failed to grab it. It's just so sad. I guess i have to go on staying at home rotting as usual. Everything bores me now. Sick of the things i do. Sick of everything i do. My parents are giving me pressure. Forcng me to take my driving exams. Everytime come back and argue with me. Giving me so much of headaches. I just wanna be alone already. I just wish his mouth would just shut it up and stop nagging and embarassing me by talking out loud everytime he reaches home. I will always be useless to them.

I will always be that "those kind of people" that my father always like to use it on me. Some things are just it was meant to be. Im the only male in the family i have happened to fail them. Should i just perish from them or maybe just walk away? What is wrong for me to have fun with friends?

Nags from them everyday it's just too unbarable. The only thing i could do is just hide in my room and just sleep or perhaps listen to my favourite music. Someday i might just lose my sanity and just go insane~ I'm a weakling (:

Everytime when i watch those dramas, it reminds of me being so useless. It made my tears falling down everytime such incidents happens. Am i being too soft or just playing weird. Or i shouldn't be a guy at all. And i actually borned by accident to this world to suffer such mental torture? Or it's jsut the fate of my life to suffer it this way or maybe its just the wrong path that i took which really destroys my sanity.

Healthy and normal people goes out, hangs out with frieds, practically surrounded by people and they are able to face the world. "People like me" always stays at home. The only time when im out is when im going to class or out for dinner. Even going out to walk is a rare chance to me already. Going out with friends is practicaly zero to none. I don't think im healty. I don't exercise. I'm dropping weight in an unhealty way. I'm always a loner. When u see me in college i'll just attach myself with a friend or two if i had a chance. If not i'll just sit in the office and talk to my lecturer or worse i'll just go into the lab and stare at the monitor.

They say life is short, full of meaning and grab the chance to enjoy if you can. Well, i have a different perspective of life. It's total emptiness and hectic to me. I don't get to enjoy life to the fullest. How is it possible for me to evne have that sanity till now after such crap happened over me for a past few years. Are those happy memories just a lie or are they just mere illusions.

I tried all the possible ways to release my stress, maybe it is not helping. I have limited friends to talk to. To express my feelings. Yet, only one who actually listens to me but i doubt he would have his own time with his future 2nd half of his life. And i couldn't be grabbing him and talk to me everytime am i right? Sooner or later they would have just spend more time on their 2nd halves then friends as i've seen so many of them doing that. Maybe i should get 1 pet to accompany me at all times. Yet i tried last time i didn't really take a good care of my pets. They died just like that which really made me sad.

Here's a very confusing and yet offensive question. Are my friends actually listening to me or they are just entertaining me. Are they my friends for who i am or they are just gaining benefits of me.

I really don't know what is my objectives anymore. Everything seemed to be impossible to me. All those critics really discouraged me badly. Even my own parents are saying those discourages to me. My only loved ones are saying this to me. Is'nt that depressing? I really should start a new life. A new me.

A quiet me who just follows what my parents say.. or just.. keeping quiet not talking at all.. Well i am partially like that already.

I feel desperate to talk to friends. I feel desperate to go out into the woods or high up in the hills just sit there all day enjoy the scene alone.. or maybe.. with a company.

Somehow everything seems like its falling apart. It's okay i guess. Keping everyhing to myself and hiding my sadness is the best thing i could ever do and looks like thats the only thing i am good at it. I'm only good at that thing perhaps. (:

Somehow i feel, there is some1 who supports me without me noticing all the time. I am really happy because of that.

My only moto: To keep my family, friends and loved ones happy and accompanied at all costs. Even to sacrifise my time or effort i would do that to accomplish them. I guess this is my only goal in life.

Tears are falling down while writing this paticular post. I dare not cry in front of my parents or sister or it would be weird. I should fine one barren land and cry out loud when it's raining to release every sadness out nobody would know. Maybe i'm just thinking too much. I'm going to rest now. Perhaps i'll blog tommorow again =)

Signing off ~ The only known useless guy -I would cry in the rain; Nobody will know (=-

My new skin xD

2009-02-05T00:40:00.002+08:00

Helo guys! What do you think of my newly upgraded blog sin? =D I love it! Ahahahahaha! Thats all for this post! Nites :D

I Skipped Speech! OMG GASP

2009-02-04T19:21:00.004+08:00

Heh! Regarding my topic above~ I really did skipped the speech today because its about 2 hours long talking about "ROAD SAFETY" by the head of JPJ -BORING~- My class was actually canceled just for that speech and so i tried to escape the speech and i did~ :X So.. im abit worried that the lecturers / the coordianator would ask me where did i go.. So i have a perfect reason! When i came back i asked the lecturer about the cancelation of class so i gave him my hand signs and he shook his head that means there's no class and he never said anything about the speech! HEH! Anyways i went and visit my buddie kid kid today~ xD Since i would be preety buzy too so is he~! Since its CNY and he's on holidays so~! I went and visit him x) We talked alot and also practically joked alot :P Owell sadly it only lasted not long~ But it was great while it lasted :D Ah well im looking for a new skin now planning to change for a better 1~ Will be posting 1 more later~ (:

o_O

2009-02-03T21:12:00.003+08:00

I changed Kid kid's blog skin (a.k.a. Ivan) I felt so happy because it's my first time changing somebody's blog skin.. Although i never really changed mine much. Heh~ Today i was woke up by my mum to attend the temple ceremony which took me 4 hours there sitting and standing and holding the insence which is burning my eyes and i am so so sleepy o_o" We went there with my uncle so at least it wouldnt be really boring lol. Nothing much happened today except that i had a great time with a company of my friend kid kid :P Owell things will change soon! Thats all for today~ (:

Bored of life~

2009-02-02T22:05:00.004+08:00

Well these few days im having a brief thought about the things i do and the past of my life somehow it bothers me alot in a way that it's making me really sad~ So many flashbacks and so many unhappy thoughts suddenly arise in my mind and i jsut couldnt get rid of it~ I have no friends to talk to i have nobody to express my unhappiness only keeping it to myself as always~ I still cant overcome my fear until now and it's slowly killing me bit by bit~ Life is getting lonely for me out here~ What which was interesting to me now doesnt get my attention anymore~ My handphone usually will be flooded with smses and now it was throw aside as no one would bother to entertain me. Last time i would at least visit friends and they visit me but none of these wanted things ever happened again since i left secondary school. Usually i would get tonnes of festive greetings during festive seasons but now not even a single greeting is sent to me. What is the reason behind everything? Is life really that lonely and meaningless to me? Perhaps, am i really suited to be alone and just die as a loner~ I see people success in certain things and they are proud of something that will benefit them to achieve success but i dont have anything to be proud of and to achieve with~ In class, my classmates are all so smart! Once a question is thrown to them their brains are starting to run like lightning speed but mine.. im just clueless looking at them solving a certain question. It makes me so frustrated as i dont have the ability to solve the question. Perhaps i didnt revise enough and am not hardworking enough. I am not good in everything i do im just a moderate in everything! I really envy those who are at least expertise in something unlike me being moderate in everything~ I dun have the looks, I dun have the talent, I dun have the weath, I dun have the ability, I practically dont have anything good in me! They say i might discover my talent someday but for 17 years straight i didnt get to find out my talent. Maybe im just a plain weird guy who deserves to be rejected from the community. They asked me why am i always so shy and why am i always so afraid of the public i really cant answer them as those are my deepest fear that i couldnt overcome for 17 years. What is which was holding me back is my fear that keeps me from opening up myself to everyone else. Sometimes i feel like crying because im so useless, then again its weird that i cry for a lame reason.. Why do my friends just dont bother me when i really need them! When i am really busy or not expected them to find me they will look for me? Are they using me or have i dont something wrong? I thought i found a proper friend to discuss my problems with but he barely understands me and just giving me all the sweet talks saying that he will accompany me when ever i wanted to talk to him~ Perhaps he might be busy but not all the time when i tried to talk to him perhaps? Owell i'll just get a pet fish or some other favourite things of mine as my closest friend then since none of my so called "friends" are there when i need them. I done bragging though im going to bed nights~ Will be blogging again soon.

Happy NIUUU Year!

2009-01-27T12:01:00.003+08:00

Surprised izint it? I finallu updated my blog!~WOOTS! Thats because im too free nothing to do and i saw this viral infested lappy~ cleared it and now its safe to use lol~ But yet this lappy is still lame and old =x Once again every new year there's a tragedy that constantly haunts me with the mark on my hand. Owell we finally talked yesterday and we didnt mention a single thing about the incident last year so at least we let go of the past already~ But yet that mark will still haunt me with the past sigh~ Hmm nothing much happened yesterday as well as today.. But today my uncle is coming down with my adorable yet naughty baby cousin and my once a year's cousin is back today~ So it would be alot better today as we can talk and laugh together and have some fun :P Neways maybe im abit too late but i just said something that affected his feelings again.. Haih ~ I realised something that bothers him liao ;/ Owell, life goes on people come and go.. Eventually 1 day 1 perfect person will be your true lover and nothing is impossible remember that x) (My personnal advise (:)

Lets drop that topic and be happy for this mooo moo year! Leave the bad things behind and those good things i command you to march forth immediately (: Damn this lappy is hard to type and to use -.-" Furthur updates will come for my e-genting trip to attend "lectures" but i'll show you guys what i actually did "Smiles wickedly" heak heak heak! =x

Kid kid,
As a friend im always here to support you and to cheer you up even at hard times~ Although sometimes i am really annoying but i just wanna make you happy instead of looking at you being sad and lonely =/ Cheer up! You have friends and me to cheer you up life goes on buddie~!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR EVERYONE AND COLLECT AS MUCH RED PACKETS AS YOU CAN! IF YOU CANT COLLECT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN THEN HOPE THE VALUE INSIDE IS AS HIGH AS IT CAN BE! LOL

Actually its the inside that counts! =x

Holidays~!

2008-12-18T00:38:00.002+08:00

It has been awhile since i have blogged~ Although i feel lazy but i have the feeling to write today~ o-O The holidays are here but i dont have the holiday feeling~ This is weird because for the first time ever i dont feel like its a holiday~ Maybe because i studied too much ahahahaha. Anyways things are stirred up well for me but everything else its just as usual only thing is that i somehow had too many stuffz to think over and over again o-o Well many thoughts had came up to me; actually too many. Perhaps im being emo for not having enough sleep again~ :P I'll resume blogging tommorow as usual! Toodles guys Nights :D

Buzy ._.

2008-11-27T00:10:00.002+08:00

I've been damn busy lately due to several issues brought up to me~ I have classes on saturday and sunday now and i even attend classes on weekdays at night ._. Assignments dues are like a few days to come and tests are like next week. Exams are like next 2 weeks~ So its preety messy for me to handle things around here. Till then i'll update my blog as soon as possible x.x I've been hyperactive lately due to lack of sleep and didnt obey the rules during the college session sigh T_T.. Going to bed nights guys.. take care T_T

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :X

2008-11-18T22:34:00.008+08:00

Based on the title im still sane and perfectly normal xD Im just glad that my assignment hell time is over but my test and exams periods are here... NUUUUUUUUUU~ T_T Neways i was preety down lately and quite emo-ish =p Hmm as always im still bored as always and guess what~! I wasted rm30 on something which cannot be used UGH~! Thats 90% of my 1 week's allowance already =.- Hmm when i was down my dear friend edited a picture of me~
:+:+:+:+:WARNING:+:+:+:+:
Dsiclaimer: What ever happened to your emotions and mental state will not be my responsiblities =P
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I've warned you~! FINE~ Here it is (: v

WTF Who is that guy... I MEAN GIRL~! AND OMG HE KISSED THE GOAT! =x .... LAME xD

The other day my friend couldnt sleep and it was quite late already so i asked her to count sheeps to sleep and i even sent her some pictures to aid her~! Well here it is xD

Count them xD I DARE YOU~!

Well i hope this will help her to sleep and i even pretended to be a sheep and goes "behekhekhekhekhek" at her.. She was shocked and speechless~! LOL

Well i guess thats all for today nights (:

Teacher's pet..

2008-11-12T21:22:00.002+08:00

Today, my senior mentioned to me about something regarding my status between a lecturer and a student~ This is what he said "in college hor....ms is still a lecturer, a teacher, even out side the class she is also act as a company's staff. how no matter how friend, the relation how good, also need behave as a student in sch." What he said was true until he said it. I didnt really respect her for that~ Sometimes i just got carried away when im so happy talking away or maybe just too close until i treated her as a friend everywhere i see her.. Thats something bad... =.=" Once i heard about this hmm flashbacks happened again~ >_> I was a teacher's pet last time in primary and secondary school~ Well that is how my friends call me -_- But.. The main reason i was always attached to my teachers was because i was trying to get the help / support from teachers incase i got bullied or beaten up... But for other reasons i have no other intension but just to make more friends and understand them well.. Somehow im too attached to teachers sometimes =/ Well i need to appologize for all the faults i've done to my lecturer and try to really act like a student from today onwards >.> Well thats all i can say tonight nights~

o_o

2008-11-11T00:38:00.003+08:00

Hmm.. my left eye is still jumping like mad~! And today im finally sick =.=.... Well nothing much to talk about today~ Just to brag about the fact that im SICK GWAH~! GOOD LUCK TO ALL THE SPM EXAMPTION FRIENDS AND CLASSMATES OF MINE!!! ALL THE BEST! :D EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!

O>o

2008-11-09T17:40:00.003+08:00

Something is up with my eye o.o It has been jumping like mad non stop! My left eye i mean. My mum said that's because im tired but personally i think mayeb something bad is going on =.=... And partly its true because i can practically fall in a deep sleep right anywhere when i take a short nap and i dont have enough awakeness to actually concentrate on something. What is actually wrng with me o_o" Anyways my left eye is still jumping like madddd~ weeee My friend told me something nice is going to happen when my left eye jumps but as i remembered when the left eye jumps something bad is going to happen.. =.=.. Gwah.. My left eye jumps by all means its just like those muscles inside it pulling my eye lids causing it to shrink and pulling in from time to time~ I guess its just lack of sleep~ lol~ Tests and assignments are all thumbling in! I have a longer path to suffer by staying up late every night~ Take care guys~

Sigh~

2008-11-05T22:41:00.003+08:00

Couldnt really sleep well yesterday. I slept at 1am woke up at 3am then woke up again at 5am and again at 7am.. Then finally its time for class at 9am.. which i have to wake up at 8+ Having constant headaches and i dont really feel that im actually awake to do anything. I have to catch up on my assignments tommorow.. Sigh~ Dont know what is wrong with me lately =.= I hope everything will be okay soon~ Nights =/

Hmm~

2008-11-04T22:39:00.002+08:00

I've suddenly become a music holic now~ I've been downloading all those nice musics non stop today and my headache wouldnt go away which is kinda annoying =.=" Ivan going US for 2 weeks for holiday already which means i dont have anyone to disturb to pass my time anymore sigh~ Am i really that free? Am i that bored and lonely? The answer is no, yes and yes lol. I actually had alot of assignments to cover with and some practicals to be done but i just dont have the mood to do with my headache~ I couldnt stop being emo by smsing crappy sms to ivan -.-~ Which is downwards disgracing and pathethic! Well since im so free ima going to bed early today nights guys xD

Bleh~

2008-11-03T22:53:00.003+08:00

Wondering what is wrong with me~ Getting bored and nothing to do these coming days.. I never get to download what i wanted to because of my 'amazing' internet speed and i couldnt play the games which i wanted to play thanks to my internet as well~ Been quite annoying trying to sms my friends but in the end no replies~ sheesh~ and now im playing the same song and repeating it for several times already sigh~ Dont know what to do actually~ Hmm i wonder what my life really is sometimes~ =/ It doesnt seemed interesting / fun =/ Well i have nothing much to tell today~ Well nights (: